A kiss for...

Bush, Manmohan, Aishwarya rai and Sonia are travelling
in a train.

The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely
dark.

Suddenlythere is a kissing sound and then a slap! The
train comes

out of the tunnel. The women and Manmohan are sitting
there looking

perplexed.

Bush is bent over holding his face, which is red from
an apparent

slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says
anything.

Sonia is thinking:
These Americans are all crazy after Aishwarya. Bush  
must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper
that she slapped him.


Aishwarya is thinking:
Bush must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia
instead and got slapped.

> Bush is thinking:
> Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya.
She might have thought it was me and slapped me.

Manmohan is thinking:
if t his train goes through another tunnel I will make
another kissing sound and slap Bush again




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http://sidscool.blogspot.com

"If you ar not having fun, you are not doing it right."

Euro English

The European Commission has just announced an
agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European
Union rather
than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government
conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has
accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as
"Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this
will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This
should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will
make words
like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling
kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
changes are
possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of
double letters
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent
"e" in the
languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as

replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from
vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a
reil sensibl
riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil
find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil
finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German
like zey vunted
in ze forst plas

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"If you ar not having fun, you are not doing it right."

Insurance Report

Possibly the funniest story in a long while,this is a bricklayer's
accident report, which was printed in
the newsletter of the American Insurance Journal. This is a true story.

Had this guy died,he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.

Dear Sir:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information
in Block 3 of the accident report form.I put "poor planning" as the
cause of my accident.You asked for a fuller explanation and I
trust the following details will be sufficient.

I was alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed
my work,I found that I had some bricks left over which,when weighed
later,were found to be slightly more than 500 lbs.Rather than carry
the
bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a
pulley,which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth
floor.

Securing the rope at ground level,I went up to the roof,swung the
barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.Then I went down and untied
the rope,holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form, that I weigh 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly,I lost
my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.Needless to say,I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor,I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.This explains the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed
in section 3 of! the accident report form.

Slowed down slightly,I continued my rapid ascent,not stopping until
the fingers on my right hand were two knuckles deep into the
pulley.Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and
was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to
experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time,however,the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.


Now devoid of the weight of the bricks,that barrel weighed approximately 50lbs.

I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine,I began a rapid descent,down the side of the
building.In the vicinity of the third floor,I met the barrel coming
up.This accounts for the two fractured ankles,broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
pile of bricks and fortunately,only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report,however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks,in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind
and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel
beginning its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your questions.

Management Lessons

I normally let any kind of preaching forwards just pass, but this one
is just too good.
--
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent,
excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy."

Lesson I - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

*******************************************************************************

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window:

"I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished
woman replies:
"I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up bitch! I said, I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in
this bank."
Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the
bank manager to tell him about her problem customer.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer: "What seems to
be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says.
"I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a
damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager thoughtfully. "And you're saying that this
bitch here is giving you a hard time?"

Lesson II - If you are RICH, you can get away with almost anything.

*******************************************************************************

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA
when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of ese
are you?" Confused, the Japanese replied, "Sorry but I don't
understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the
Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are
you...Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind
of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"

Lesson III - Never insult anyone.

*******************************************************************************

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, a British and a French,
who found this small genie bottle.
When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4
guys had released him out of the bottle, he said,
"Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish.
When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the
pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE".
The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so
happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted," VODKA" and
immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so
contented with his beer pool.
The last is the British. He was running towards the pool when suddenly
he steps on a banana peel.
He slipped towards the pool and shouted, SHIT!!!!!!!........."

Lesson IV - Think twice before you say something, because sometimes
what you say accidentally does happen.
*******************************************************************************

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to
a meeting.
On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub
the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are
three, I will allow one wish each"

So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to
be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries.
"Pfufffff, and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted " I want to be
in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.
"Pfufffff, and he was also gone.

The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch"

Lesson V- "Always allow the bosses to speak first"