Naming Conventions

How I came to be who I am


I was not who I am. I was myself, my own self. That is,
until I came to the U.S. When I came here to join the
University, I went to the Registration office. There was
an elderly woman with big round eye-glasses, who looked
at me through the gap between the frame and her eyebrows.
I explained that I just came from India and I was going
to join the Chemistry Department. This is what happened next.

"Your name?"
"Dinesh."
"How do you spell it?"
"D-I-N...."
"Slow, slow. T?"
"No, D."
"Is that T as in Tom, or D as in Dennis?"
"No, not Dennis, my name is Dinesh."
"I know that. I am asking you, is that a T as in Tom,
or D as in ... as in Detroit?"
"I don't know who Tom is, and I haven't been to Detroit.
I just came from Madras."
"OK, OK, I know that. Is that T-I- or D-I- ?"
"D. D-I-. D-I-N-E-S-H."
"Is that your last name or first name?"
"Uh? Dinesh is my name."
"OK. What is your LAst name?"
"That is my first and last name. Dinesh."
"Then, is your name Dinesh Dinesh?"
"No. My name is Dinesh."
"But what is your LAST NAME? I am ASKING YOU ABOUT YOUR LAST NAME."
"I told you, Dinesh. I always had the same name, from birth
till now. DINESH. That's my name."
"OK, what is your family name?"
"Family? Family name? My family doesn't have a name."
"What do the neighbors call you?"
"Dinesh."
"Not you. Your whole family. What do they call your family?"
"Beedida bhat'rr."
"So, that is your family name. Do you understand?
How do you spell that?"
"Spell what?"
"B.D. whatever you said, what your neighbors call your family."
"Oh, that ... Beedida bhat'rr.
What do you need that for? It only means 'the brahmin who
makes beedis.'"
"What are B-Ds?"
"Not B-D. Beedi, is like a cigarette, you see, they roll the
tobacco in a leaf and tie a thread around it. 25 in a kattu."
"25 in a what?"
"Kattu, or katta, whatever. Like a bunch, you see. If there
is even one less or one more, my father could always tell without
counting. He then taught me how to do it."
"I am not worried about your 'cutter' or whatever.
What-is-your-last-name?"
"I told you, Dinesh."
"OK, OK, I don't want to go over this again. What is common
to the names of all the members of your family?"
"They are all in Sanskrit. My first sister is Suneetha, the second
sister is Sumathi ... "
"Not about the language. When you write your name, and your
sister writes her name, what do you two have in common?"
"We have the same handwriting. Even my father can't tell our
handwritings apart."
"Blast it! What is your father's name?"
"G.K.Nettar."
"What does G.K. stand for?"
"His name, Gopala Krishna."
"Then what is Nettar?"
"That is our house name."
"House name? Aha, does every one at your house have this name?"
"It is not our name. It is the name of our house. Strictly
speaking, it should be Honnadka. But my father was too lazy
to change it. My father was born in Honnadka, but, see, my
grandfather was born in Nettar."
"What was his name?"
"I told you, G.K.Nettar."
"Your grandfather was also called G.K. whatever?"
"No. That is my father."
"Then what is your grandfather's name?"
"Govinda Bhat. See, my relatives still call me Mangalore
Govinda. Because it is a tradition to name the first son
after his grandfather. All the brothers of my father
have done this. So, we have Honnadka Govinda, Jogibettu
Govinda, Kanchodu Govinda, and I am Mangalore Govinda."
"So, then, your name is Mangalore Govinda, not Dinesh."
"No. My name is Dinesh. Mangalore Govinda is how my
relatives call me. That is not my NAme."
"What do they call your sister?"
"Ammanni."
"What? You said her name is Sooneetha."
"Yes, that is her name, Suneetha, but we call her Ammanni."
"Is that her nick-name?"
"No. she doesn't have a nick name. Only our neighbor's
daughter has a nick name. She is called 'soote'. She is
very active. That's why."
"What about your brother?"
"I have no brothers. But then, you can count all those
Govindas as my brothers too. See, they are really kind of
my brothers."
"OK, what are their names?"
"The oldest one, he is my big brother. He is called GovindaNNa."
"Govind Anna? Then Anna is his last name."
"No, ANNA, not anna. ANNA means big brother."
"What is his NAME?"
"His name is Govinda Bhat."
"Then your last name is But."
"Not but, Bhat, B-H-A-T. But that's not his name, you see."
"If that's not his name, what is it? Why does he have it
in his name?"
"Bhat simply means he is a brahmin. He might as well write
Rao, like his father does, or Sharma, like my father's
second brother does."
"How does he write his name in official papers?"
"Nettar Govinda Bhat. That's how he writes it."
"How does his father write it?"
"Nettar Venkata Subba Rao."
"Aha, I can see now. Your father is G.K.Nettar, his
brother is Nettar something Rao... your last name is then
Nettar. Aha, I got it."
"But Nettar is not the last name. It is the house name."
"I don't care. Tell me one last time, what is YOUR last name?"
"But I told you, my last name is the same as my first name,
my only name, Dinesh."
"Then, I am going to write Nettar here. I don't care if it
is your house name, your grandfather's name, your dog's name,
whatever. It is your last name. How do you spell it? N-E-..."
"N-E-T-T-A-R."
"N-E-T-T-? Is that T as in Tom or D as in Dennis?"
"My name is Dinesh, not Dennis."
"AARRGGHHHHH. Do we have to go through this again?
Here, write it down."


"That's it. From now on, you are Dinesh Nettar, Dinesh is your
first name, and Nettar is your last name. OK?"
"..."

- ------------------------------------------------------------
Even though the incident is imaginary, the rest of the story
and all the people in it are real.
- ------------------------------------------------------------

Steven Wright

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright,
he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I
woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been
stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates!"

His mind tends to see things a bit differently than
the rest of us mortals.

Here are some of his gems:
1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect
it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other
parts feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with
the rain.

9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my
hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left
me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible
ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something.

15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, y ou're in
the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough
sense to be lazy.

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays
off now.

19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy
her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked
into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death
twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your
brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired
of thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until
just after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to
the softness of the bread.

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;
to steal from many is research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is
no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time
you'll have to catch up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your
body is required to be on it.

33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just
don't have film.
...and the all time favorite-

34- If your car could travel at the speed of light,
would your headlights work?

de ultimate story

I had this story posted here. But then Ambar pointed out that the story is present online at

http://www.sulekha.com/expressions/articledesc.asp?cid=307066

So, just to be sure that we don't infringe on any copyrights, I'm just adding a link to it.

How to Choose A Girl in Arranged Marriage !

Some tips for Arranged marriage

Arranged marriage

There are times in a person's life when he needs to take crucial
decisions on his own. Marriage is one of them. Believe me, the decision
on whom to marry is the most important decision a person will make in
his life. After marriage, your wife is the most important person in your
life. She can make or break your life. The mere thought of this is very
frightening.

Some of the questions that crop up are -

a.. What sort of a girl do I marry?
b.. Will she adjust in my family?
c.. How can I decide on a girl by just meeting her for a few times? d..
When should I get married? e.. This is my life. So, I should choose the
girl I marry, but then what if I make a mistake? .. so on and so forth.

I will try to address these & many more questions in the following
sections.

The Ten Rules of Arranged marriage

Rule 1 - Magic no. 28

In an ideal scenario, a girl goes to college at the age of 18. By the
time she graduates, goes for her post graduation and/ or works for 1-2
years, she will be about 23- 24. This means that she has spent about 5
years away from her home. In the 5 years period, she would meet many
smart guys at college or during her first few years on job. So, in all
probability it would be difficult to find a good girl older than 24 yrs.
Secondly, in Indian families there is lot of pressure on the girl's to
get married by the time they become 24-25.

Statistics says that there is a generation gap after every 5 years. So,
in such scenario, one would prefer to marry a girl who is about 3-4
years younger to you. Thus, working backwards, an ideal age for a guy to
get married is by 28. Earlier the marriage, the better it is.

Well, as we all know, in the current market scenario, there will never
be stability in our career. So, I believe there is no such thing as, "I
will marry when I settle down".

Rule 2 -- Subset of marriage-able girls

At times you hear statements like, "I am not getting the right match, I
will look after 3 months, I will find a better match then". Well the
truth is otherwise. The subset of unmarried girl looking for a match is
fixed. From this subset, there would be girls who would get married &
there would be new girls added who would be looking for a match. The net
result is that at any given time, the variety & number of marriage-able
girls are fixed.

Rule 3 - Competition for girls

Like all other facets of life, there is lot of competition for good
girls. In my own case, I was rejected by girls. So, if you are looking
for a girl who is post graduate, done her Engg, is working, very
beautiful, smart, from a good family etc. etc, just think again. There
are other guys who are also looking for similar girls & probably they
are better off than you in terms of career, looks personality etc. Given
a choice every guy would like to marry Aishwarya Rai.So, set your
expectations accordingly.

Rule 4 -- Understanding girls

You would have met a lot of people during your life. As we all know, its
difficult to judge a person based on a few meetings. I am sure you would
agree with me that in case of girls it is even more difficult to
understand them in a few meetings. I know people who are still trying to
understand their wife. ;-).. Understanding your spouse is a life long
assignment. So, then how do you select a girl based on a few meeting?
This is where you need to take the help of your parents/ friends &
latest technologies like email/chat to choose your girl.

Rule 5 - Society expectation

The selection process is tough on every one who is involved in the
process. In arranged marriage, involvement of family & society is pretty
high. You can't meet a girl 3-4 times & then say no to her. It is bad
for her future. So, you should have a good short-listing criterion. Meet
only a few girls & be sure what you are looking for. It is for the
benefit of everyone involved.

Rule 6 -- Marriage between equals

Unlike love marriage, in arranged marriage you also marry into the
girl's family. In arranged marriages, family support plays a major role
in ensuring a successful marriage. This is where the compatibility of
social status, family values & caste/religion plays

a major role. Its important to note that in case there is a perfect
match between the two families, the marriage is destined to succeed.

Rule 7 - Know yourself

Unlike love marriage, in arranged marriage you first marry a person &
then fall in love. So, it's very important that you do a self-assessment
on the kind of person you would love. They say, "Opposite attract",
while they also say, "Bird of same feather flock together". So, you take
a call on what sort of person you like. Take a pen & paper; write down
the kind of attributes you are looking for in a girl. Say, she should
ideally have the looks of Sonia, the style of Monica, the voice of
Sheena, the patience of Rashmi. You will certainly not find the perfect
girl, but then you would have a good idea of what you are looking for.
The secret here is to set some minimum criteria for selection. Don't
forget rule no.3 here.

Rule 8 -- Girl's Beauty

A girl's looks attract, but then no one wants to end up marrying a dumb
blonde. It is like buying your bike. When you initially buy it, you are
crazy about the looks, but later on you love it for its reliability,
fuel economy & comfort level. Similarly, a girl's looks are important,
but then it should not be the most important criteria. Later on it life,
you will get bored of her looks. It is then that her personality &
behavior will make all the difference to your marriage. I am sure your
parents will be able to advice you a lot better on this topic.

Rule 9 -- Taking advice

As I have mentioned in the next rule, it's very important that the final
decision on whom to marry must necessarily be yours. However, don't do
the mistake of isolating yourself from the world while planning your
marriage. Discuss with your parents & very close friends on this issue.
They are your well wishers. Secondly, in such important matters its
necessary that you analyze all possibilities. Remember, I am not
suggesting that you follow others' advice, but don't forget to take
their advice.

Rule 10 -- Own decision

All said & done, it's your marriage & your life that is at stake. Once
you are married, you & your wife are the only persons who will be facing
the music. Don't marry a girl just because your parents or

friends asked you to do so. After marriage, if things don't work out &
you end up saying, "It's because of my friends or my parents that I
married you", then your marriage is destined for disaster. If the girl
is of your choice, it is you who will be responsible for whatever
happens. That's when the marriage works out perfectly. So, ensure that
you marriage the girl of your choice.

How to approach the selection process?

From the day, a person decides to get married; the selection process
takes a minimum of 3 months. The whole process needs a lot of patience &
commitment. The ideal steps to be followed are:

a.. Definition phase --

Define the minimum criteria for the kind of life partner you are looking
for in terms of education, physical appearance, social status, family
values, future career plans. Remember the Rule 3 here.

b.. Lead Generation phase --

Place ads in various newspapers, magazines, websites, through friends,
family friends, family societies & association etc. You need to exhaust
all possible means of getting biodatas at one go. Remember the Rule 2
here.

c.. Short listing phase -

Based on your selection criteria, short-list the interesting biodatas.
The general process followed for

correspondence is as follows:

1.. The initiator sends a one page profile of himself/ herself.

2.. Based on the profile, the receiver sends his/her one page profile
along with request for detailed profile, photo, horoscope.

3.. The initiator then sends the requested information along with a
request for similar information.

4.. The receiver send similar information.

5.. If the biodata is selected, it is passed over to the next phase.

A.. Casual interaction phase -

Based on shortlisting, about 7 to 10 biodatas are taken forwarded to
this phase. The next step to follow

here is to exchange email/ chat ids. The guy & the girl then interact
for 10 - 15 days to try & judge mutual compatibility through email/chat.

B.. Family interaction phase -

Based on the earlier phase, about 5 leads are taken for consideration in
this phase. During this phase, the parents get involved & check the
background information about the families to find mutual compatibility.

C.. The dating phase -

Based on the earlier phase about 3 leads are taken forward to this
phase. During this phase, the guy & the girl interact by going out alone
for 2-3 times. The guy needs to prepare a set of simple questions like
who is your favorite star, what are your hobbies? He needs to use his
judgment to analyze the girl based on her responses.

D.. The D-day phase -

Finally, the D-day comes when the guy has to select the girl he wants to
spend his life with. If the process if followed systematically, there
will be no ambiguity in deciding who should be your life partner.

Finally, my dear friends, marriage is all about compromises. In spite of
all the planning that you do, there are a lot of uncertainties in a
marriage. In fact this is the best part about marriage. Just remember
that the person you marry must be of your choice. In such case, there
would be no going back for both of you.

A few words of advice: To make your marriage a success; just believe in
the age-old virtue, "Never do anything to others that you don't like for
yourself".

Enjoy the selection process, it is fun.. :-) !!!
--
http://sidscool.blogspot.com

"If you are not having fun, you are not doing it right."

Using Opera's revolutionary e-mail client: http://www.opera.com/mail/

S H I T

This is my first forward at forwarders. Thanx to reddy. Here's an unbelievable one -

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported byship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that anywater that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

Caustic reality or bland illusions.....

Here's a funny letter from one of TIFR's professor (Disclaimer: authenticity not verified) to Times-of-India.
My friend describes it as "Biting sarcasm at its overbearing best!"

--
Dear Times of India

Sunil Mukhi
Mumbai, March 22 2004

An open letter to the Times of India, everyone's favourite newspaper, at least in this great land, and among us English-speaking folk. If you are unfamiliar with this newspaper for any reason, such as that you hail from Sweden or Equatorial Guinea, this article will not make much sense to you. Sorry, unfortunate person, you just don't know what you've missed. [The author].


Dear Times of India,

I'm talking to you - yes, all of you. The owner, the editor-in-chief, the subeditors, journalists, formatters, layouters, fast bowlers, off-spinners - sorry, what am I saying? It's all a bit confusing nowadays. So let me start again.

To get to my point right away, I think your newspaper is just brilliant. A daily masterpiece, in fact! I've been reading it, on and off for a few decades now. It's had its phases - now communal, now secular, now pro-Indira, now pro-fundamentalist. But it always was, and is - and ever will be - the one and only, the greatest. The Times, ladies and gentlemen, of India! Bharat ka shaandaar Samay! And now in 2004, it's finally become even better than that. The Times of India is now about being Clever, and it's about Cricket. My two favourite subjects, as it turns out. The result is a high-water mark in journalism that must surely be the envy of Le Monde, The Hindu, The New York Times and all those other silly little newspapers.

Let me illustrate what I mean. This morning as I picked the Times of India off my doorstep, I saw in inch-high letters the headline: ``RAHUL IN LAHORE, RAHUL IN AMETHI". And my dear Times-persons, I silently marvelled at your cleverness. This was my thought process (I'm a slow thinker, but eventually I do get there): ``Rahul in Lahore", I thought, ``that has to be Rahul Dravid. While the one in Amethi, that one must be, what's his name, Rahul Gandhi." As I reached this point, the incredible truth began to dawn on me. Though I had always thought of them as two totally different people, there is a profound similarity between them: THEY HAVE THE SAME FIRST NAME! And, moving swiftly from this deep and original observation, as only your newspaper can do, you PUT THEM IN THE SAME HEADLINE! What an exquisite twist on an apparently mundane reality. Like so many readers, I myself would have missed the point of the two Rahuls - the bi-Rahulity, as it were, of our nation. But your newspaper cleverly unmasked this hidden truth, and I can't thank you enough for it.

There was more good stuff to follow. ``Team theme saves India's pride" contained a great pun - "team" and "theme". I have some friends who pronounce these two words in exactly the same way! So the phrase would sound like "Team team" - or perhaps "Theme theme", depending on the specific friend. Your puns are really a treat. In fact, one might say that your puns are fun! Get that? Pun, fun! See, I can do it too.

But I'll never be as good at this as you guys. At the bottom of today's front page you wrote: "At 94 for 4, only the wall stood tall". That must be about Dravid (one of the Rahuls, the one who's different from the other one). He's tall, and I've heard that he's known as "the wall". But how cleverly you exploited the fact that "wall" and "tall" rhyme with each other! What a turn of phrase - ``The wall stood tall" - fantastic! Perhaps we could make a song out of it. ``Tall, tall, the wall stood tall. Tall stood the wall, the tall tall wall". Don't laugh TOI, one day my song will be playing on Radio Mirchi! But more about that later. It took me a while to realise that the first half of this headline also had a pun, and A VERY SUBTLE ONE. Because, when you think about it, "94 for 4" sounds like "ninety four four four" and so you have the SAME sound repeated THREE TIMES! Get it? Four four four! Now this is far out! Or four out! Or not out! It's all the same thing, since I don't follow cricket too well.

In any case, I fully agree with your basic principle. Cricket is THE THING. Everyone likes it: Atalji, Colin Powell, Mush, Sush, Ash, the chanawala, you, me (yes I do LIKE it, though as I said, I don't follow it so well because... well, because it's complicated, and my mind is like, you know? A little... limited? But please don't mind. That was a pun, you know: mind, mind. Get it? MY MIND, and DON'T MIND. Well I've become a lot better at this stuff by reading the Times of India. And don't go away, I have so much more to tell you).

Where was I? Ah yes. With all that's been going on these days, we needed an entire newspaper devoted to cricket. And NOW WE HAVE ONE! I can't thank you enough, guys. I love the clever title for your reportage on this series: "Pakraman". That's classy. "Pakistan" and "Aakraman" - who would have imagined they'd fit together like that? I bet your team did a little victory dance when they thought that one up. Were there any other contenders? You must have immediately rejected the reverse pairing,
"Aakistan", which frankly sounds like nothing much. Actually, had the match been in Kazakhstan (do they play cricket there?) you could have tried "Kazakhraman", which is fairly good too. Maybe all those "istan" countries were just designed for your clever little pun. Then again Turkmenistan doesn't fit the pattern, does it. So we won't play cricket there, even if they beg us. But on the subject of ``Pakraman" there is no dispute. You thought of it first, and you deserve full credit, oh profoundly intellectual newspaper of my life!

Now I'm the kind of person that, after reading your front page, is pretty much done with the newspaper. I mean, how much can one read about elections, train derailments, politicisation of history (I didn't even understand what that means). Just about the only thing I could follow today was the Page 2 article about Radio Mirchi. You rightly observe that this radio station has positioned itself as ``Aapka Apna Bollywood station". What frank and forthright admiration, and how beautifully put! I feel it's most decent of you to heap such praise on a different media company altogether. To tell the truth, I sometimes wonder whether the Mirchi people are totally above board. Occasionally they refer to themselves as "Times Radio Mirchi". Are they trying to suggest that they are somehow connected to your newspaper? They can't fool us, no sir. If they were connected to you then surely you wouldn't be praising them so much, for it would be tantamount to blowing one's own trumpet, wouldn't it.

I like money, so I'm not averse to reading about Business. Now your rival newspaper, The Hindu, has a whole section today called "Business Review" but it's boring as hell: stuff about "Business Process Management", and "Relentless bear pressure on bourses" - well, really! This kind of stuff just doesn't do it for me. I don't think I own too many bourses, so why would I care. Anyhow I skipped through most of your paper (stopping on pages 4,6,7,9,14 and 15 which are full-page ads that I always enjoy browsing) and finally reached the Business page, familiar territory. Instantly my eye fell on "Private train of thought", an article about people who think the railways should be privatised. Neat! At least I think so! Here is my take on it: these peoples' train (of thought) is their own train, and therefore private, but at one and the same moment, their (private train of) thought is about trains (on tracks) being private. Hats off to whoever thought this one up! How can you possibly get through these complicated thoughts yourselves - my own trains (of thought) get derailed so easily! In fact the next headline I saw was "BRICs have to be laid" and, to be very honest, this caused my "private" thoughts to leap the tracks then and there. No, I won't go into any more detail.

At that point I switched to your supplement, Bombay Times. I want to write them a letter too, just like this one. Maybe another day. But let me tell you, they're as brilliant as the main newspaper. And I fully agree with them when they say "Pamela Anderson is NO BIMBO!". Why would anyone think she was? I just don't get it.

--