Steven Wright

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright,
he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I
woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been
stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates!"

His mind tends to see things a bit differently than
the rest of us mortals.

Here are some of his gems:
1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect
it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other
parts feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with
the rain.

9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my
hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left
me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible
ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something.

15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, y ou're in
the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough
sense to be lazy.

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays
off now.

19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy
her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked
into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death
twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your
brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired
of thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until
just after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to
the softness of the bread.

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;
to steal from many is research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is
no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time
you'll have to catch up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your
body is required to be on it.

33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just
don't have film.
...and the all time favorite-

34- If your car could travel at the speed of light,
would your headlights work?