A grad-student emotion check-list

6:30am Wakeup and lie awake in Bed
6:31 Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner, means no eating out for the next 6 weeks
6:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep.
7:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize you didn't hit the snooze button--you turned it off.
7:01 fall asleep again.
7:44 Wake up with heart in mouth again.
7:45 Ready to go to school, will shave tommorrow,

will eat early brunch at
(Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko

's whatever
cafeteria).
8:03 Arrive at school
Realize your foreign officemate arrived
earlier today must have got more work done
8:04 Pass by Advisor's office, chat with
Secretary
to find out if he is
coming in today. He is, darn.
Need to start work on the draft due this
afternoon.
8:15 Read electronic mail
8:20 Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201
regarding questions
about the class.
Hate your TA job.
Depression: too much work to do today
9:00 For jumpstart: go to Pepsi machine.
9:05 Kick Pepsi machine; promise yourself to call
up the company and ask for your money back. Wonder why they would beleive you.
9:33 Start printing out loads of stuff that may
be
vaguely related to your work.
9:41 Early morning stupefaction.
Mutter racist comments to yourself about
your
officemate.
9:43 Curse your officemate in a low tone he would

not comprehend.Feel good about him not
grasping English well.
9:58 Finger everyone in the department and most
people half way
around the world (using the "finger"
command,
of course)
10:19 Feel sleepy, should not have stayed late
playing tetris last night.
10:31 momentary panic attack!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:43 edit .plan file. write a shell program to
edit .plan more easily
10:59 Drop in at advisor's office and borrow
something you dont need
& and kinda make him aware you are working
hard on your project.
11:05 perverted daydreams
11:11 read electronic news
mid-morning yawn time
11:34 Start typing junk at a very high key-in rate

to pretend
you are working hard as your advisor passes
by from outside.
11:35 Press the BackSpace key for one and a half
minute until all the garbage you typed in is erased. Realize that you can type more than 256 characters per half minute 11:41 Flirt with the new girl in the department 11:45 Print out some slides for afternoon\'s draft + presentation 11:47 Print them again, you forgot to change the date from last presentation 11:49 Print another copy in case this one gets lost 11:51 Completely forget about sueing the coffee-machine company 12:15 Hunger pangs: 12:20 BigMac/Fries time Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola from your desk. Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying bulk cola. 1:00 Group Meeting with advisor 1:14 sudden awareness of one\'s shallowness resentment towards foriegn officemate for sucking up to your advisor Get reminded by your advisor that you need to do some more work for your literature survey. 1:51 Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your draft for corrections 1:51:02 The 49 second urge to murder advisor begins!! 1:51:52 Realize that he controls your assistantship/grade/ graduation possiblity/graduation date/all job opportunities/ and the rest of your life. minute until all
the garbage you typed in is erased.
Realize that you can type more than 256
characters per half minute
11:41 Flirt with the new girl in the department
11:45 Print out some slides for afternoon's draft
+
presentation
11:47 Print them again, you forgot to change the
date from last
presentation
11:49 Print another copy in case this one gets
lost
11:51 Completely forget about sueing the
coffee-machine company
12:15 Hunger pangs:
12:20 BigMac/Fries time
Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola from

your desk.
Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying
bulk cola.
1:00 Group Meeting with advisor
1:14 sudden awareness of one's shallowness
resentment towards foriegn officemate for
sucking up to your advisor
Get reminded by your advisor that you need
to
do some more work
for your literature survey.
1:51 Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your
draft for corrections
1:51:02 The 49 second urge to murder advisor
begins!!
1:51:52 Realize that he controls your
assistantship/grade/
graduation possiblity/graduation date/all
job
opportunities/ and the rest of your life.
1:52:53 Thank him
1:52:54 Thank yourself for not saying something
stupid to your advisor.
1:53:00 splitting headache #1
1:59 Check electronic mail, don't reply though, you

are too busy to do that
2:06 More generic cola
2:17 Oh No, it is my turn to cook tonite :-(
2:30 Sit through the class you were told to sit
through
2:39 Look outside the window make unrealistic plans

to quit
this degree program and take up a job.
Wonder why blonde girls are so pretty.
2:48 More perverted day-dreams.
Close the office door and open a few .gif
files.
sharpen pencil
3:06 worry about never graduating
time to write a letter--NOT! no time for
that.
rearrange desk
call up bank; see if you have any money
fear of losing aid next Fall
Read latex manuals to figure out how to put
&$%&% in %$^% format
3:43 watch the clock
make plans to do a all-nighter tonite
Vow to watch only 2 TV programs
4:58 Notice Advisor leave
4:58:01 Sudden sense of freedom
Go home for quick, short dinner break.
9:00pm Come into the office
9:01pm The hard working grad student you are, you
have to come to the
office late at night to "get the work done"
9:03 Check electronic mail
Decide it would be a good time to attack those

ftp sites
since network wont be loaded
Run into "since network wont be loaded"
traffic
and get the
pictures into your machine.
Compress all unwanted research/class
directories to make space.
Back up all your pictures
10:11 Admire pictures
Begin work; Realize you need references
Realize its too late today to go to the
library
Sudden feeling of having wasted the day
10:49 Sudden feeling of possibly having to waste the

night
Decide to turn in early and come back very
early tommorrow morning
Decide to play a Tetris on the system to put
yourself in a good mood.
11:15 Play game after game after game to improve
your
score and get on the scoreboard.
Realize that your officemate is still at
number
6, two notches above you on the scoreboard.
12:20 Play until you beat your officemate into the
7th place.
A sense of achievment!! Yes, today was not
wasted!!
Return home to find your roommate watching
David Letterman reruns
on NBC. Tell him about the "hard working grad

student day you had"
Discuss philosophy with roommate
1:09 Think about becoming a philosopher and dining
with 4 others
(The Dining Philosophers problem, hee hee :-)

(Comp Sci joke)
Argue with him about politics, why people
prefer Japanese
cars and whether it is better to set the heat
to "hot" or "cold"
to defrost the windshields faster.
1:49 Realize neither of you have bought milk today

Get reminded of the "too much milk problem"
2:04 Forget about getting up early. Turn the phone
ringer off and go to sleep.

(Repeat)

A grad-student emotion check-list

6:30am Wakeup and lie awake in Bed
6:31 Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner, means no eating out for the next 6 weeks
6:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep.
7:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize you didn't hit the snooze button--you turned it off.
7:01 fall asleep again.
7:44 Wake up with heart in mouth again.
7:45 Ready to go to school, will shave tommorrow, will eat early brunch at (Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko's whatever cafeteria).

8:03 Arrive at school. Realize your foreign officemate arrived earlier today must have got more work done
8:04 Pass by Advisor's office, chat with Secretary to find out if he is coming in today. He is, darn. Need to start work on the draft due this afternoon.
8:15 Read electronic mail
8:20 Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201 regarding questions about the class. Hate your TA job.
Depression: too much work to do today
9:00 For jumpstart: go to Pepsi machine.
9:05 Kick Pepsi machine; promise yourself to call
up the company
and ask for your money back.
Wonder why they would beleive you.
9:33 Start printing out loads of stuff that may
be
vaguely related to your work.
9:41 Early morning stupefaction.
Mutter racist comments to yourself about
your
officemate.
9:43 Curse your officemate in a low tone he would

not comprehend.Feel good about him not
grasping English well.
9:58 Finger everyone in the department and most
people half way
around the world (using the "finger"
command,
of course)
10:19 Feel sleepy, should not have stayed late
playing tetris last night.
10:31 momentary panic attack!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:43 edit .plan file. write a shell program to
edit .plan more easily
10:59 Drop in at advisor's office and borrow
something you dont need
& and kinda make him aware you are working
hard on your project.
11:05 perverted daydreams
11:11 read electronic news
mid-morning yawn time
11:34 Start typing junk at a very high key-in rate

to pretend
you are working hard as your advisor passes
by from outside.
11:35 Press the BackSpace key for one and a half
minute until all
the garbage you typed in is erased.
Realize that you can type more than 256
characters per half minute
11:41 Flirt with the new girl in the department
11:45 Print out some slides for afternoon's draft
+
presentation
11:47 Print them again, you forgot to change the
date from last
presentation
11:49 Print another copy in case this one gets
lost
11:51 Completely forget about sueing the
coffee-machine company
12:15 Hunger pangs:
12:20 BigMac/Fries time
Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola from

your desk.
Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying
bulk cola.
1:00 Group Meeting with advisor
1:14 sudden awareness of one's shallowness
resentment towards foriegn officemate for
sucking up to your advisor
Get reminded by your advisor that you need
to
do some more work
for your literature survey.
1:51 Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your
draft for corrections
1:51:02 The 49 second urge to murder advisor
begins!!
1:51:52 Realize that he controls your
assistantship/grade/
graduation possiblity/graduation date/all
job
opportunities/ and the rest of your life.
1:52:53 Thank him
1:52:54 Thank yourself for not saying something
stupid to your advisor.
1:53:00 splitting headache #1
1:59 Check electronic mail, don't reply though, you

are too busy to do that
2:06 More generic cola
2:17 Oh No, it is my turn to cook tonite :-(
2:30 Sit through the class you were told to sit
through
2:39 Look outside the window make unrealistic plans

to quit
this degree program and take up a job.
Wonder why blonde girls are so pretty.
2:48 More perverted day-dreams.
Close the office door and open a few .gif
files.
sharpen pencil
3:06 worry about never graduating
time to write a letter--NOT! no time for
that.
rearrange desk
call up bank; see if you have any money
fear of losing aid next Fall
Read latex manuals to figure out how to put
&$%&% in %$^% format
3:43 watch the clock
make plans to do a all-nighter tonite
Vow to watch only 2 TV programs
4:58 Notice Advisor leave
4:58:01 Sudden sense of freedom
Go home for quick, short dinner break.
9:00pm Come into the office
9:01pm The hard working grad student you are, you
have to come to the
office late at night to "get the work done"
9:03 Check electronic mail
Decide it would be a good time to attack those

ftp sites
since network wont be loaded
Run into "since network wont be loaded"
traffic
and get the
pictures into your machine.
Compress all unwanted research/class
directories to make space.
Back up all your pictures
10:11 Admire pictures
Begin work; Realize you need references
Realize its too late today to go to the
library
Sudden feeling of having wasted the day
10:49 Sudden feeling of possibly having to waste the

night
Decide to turn in early and come back very
early tommorrow morning
Decide to play a Tetris on the system to put
yourself in a good mood.
11:15 Play game after game after game to improve
your
score and get on the scoreboard.
Realize that your officemate is still at
number
6, two notches above you on the scoreboard.
12:20 Play until you beat your officemate into the
7th place.
A sense of achievment!! Yes, today was not
wasted!!
Return home to find your roommate watching
David Letterman reruns
on NBC. Tell him about the "hard working grad

student day you had"
Discuss philosophy with roommate
1:09 Think about becoming a philosopher and dining
with 4 others
(The Dining Philosophers problem, hee hee :-)

(Comp Sci joke)
Argue with him about politics, why people
prefer Japanese
cars and whether it is better to set the heat
to "hot" or "cold"
to defrost the windshields faster.
1:49 Realize neither of you have bought milk today

Get reminded of the "too much milk problem"
2:04 Forget about getting up early. Turn the phone
ringer off and go to sleep.

(Repeat)

IMPOSSIBLE: Can Ice-Cream be the reason????

Thanks to sanket for sending this along.

 

~

 

This is a real story that happened between the customer of General
Motors and its Customer-Care Executive. A complaint was received by the
Pontiac

Division of General Motors:

"This is the second time I have written to you, and I don't blame you
for not answering me, because I sounded crazy, but it Is a fact that we
have a tradition in our family we have Ice-Cream for dessert after
dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night,
after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we
should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact
that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the
store have created a problem. You see,every time I buy a vanilla
ice-cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I
get
any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to
know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds"

"What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get
vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?"
The
Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but
sent an Engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be
greeted by a successful, obviously well educated man in a fine
neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinnertime, so
the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was
vanilla icecream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to
the car, it wouldn't start.

The Engineer returned for three more nights.

The first night, they got chocolate. The car started. The second night,
he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla.

The car failed to start. Now the Engineer, being a logical man, refused
to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He
arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to
solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he
jotted
down all sorts of data: time of day, type of gas uses, time to drive
back and forth etc.

In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla
than any other flavor.

Why? The answer was in the layout of the store. Vanilla, being the most
popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for
quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store
at a different counter where it took considerably longer to check out
the flavor.

Now, the question for the Engineer was why the car wouldn't start when
it took less time. Eureka - Time was now the problem - not the vanilla
icecream!

The engineer quickly came up with the answer: "vapour lock". It was
happening every night; but the extra time taken to get the other
flavors
allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got
vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapour lock to dissipate.

Remember:
Even crazy looking problems are sometimes real and all problems seem to
be simple only when we find the solution with cool thinking.

Don't just say its "IMPOSSIBLE" without putting a sincere effort...
Observe the word "IMPOSSIBLE" carefully... Looking closer you will see,
"I'M POSSIBLE"...

What really matters is your attitude and your perception.

Women explained by engineers

[Click on the thumbnail to see the full image]

Complete Cowerage of Politics

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisland sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your
neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his
cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with
milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

NAZISM
You have two cows.
The government takes both and shoots you.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you
to shoot one, milk the other, and then
pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an
IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four
cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you
have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots
of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows
you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any
creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government
to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting
to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best
accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you
which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.