Fwd: I never take risk while drinking

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I never take risk while drinking

When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking

I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen

I stealthily enter the house

Take out the bottle from my black cupboard

Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame

But still no one is aware of it

Becoz I never take a risk

I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink

Qucikly enjoy one peg

Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack

Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard

Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile

I peep into the kitchen

Wife is cutting potatoes

No one is aware of what I did

Becoz i never take a risk

I: Any news on Iyer's daughter's marriage

She: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are

looking out for her

I again come out; there is a small noise of the black

cupboard

But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle

I take out the glass from the old rack above sink

Quickly enjoy one peg

Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink

Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard

But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk

I: But still I think Iyer's daughter's age is not that much

She: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... like an aged

horse

I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh...

I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard

But the cupboard's place has automatically changed

I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one

peg

in the sink

Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly

I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's

photo

& keep it in the black cupboard

Wife is keeping the sink on the stove

But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk

I: (getting angry) you call Mr. Iyer a horse? If you say

that

again, I will cut your tongue...!

She: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly...

I take out the bottle from the potatoes

Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg

Wash the sink and keep it over the rack

Wife is giving a smile

Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking

But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk

I: (laughing) So Iyer is marrying a horse!!

She: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...

I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack

Stove is also on the rack

There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside

I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink

But none of the horses are aware of what i did

Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk

Iyer is still cooking

And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing

Becoz i never take a risk

Cricket moments!!

"Man, it don't matter where you come in to bat, the score is still
zero."
-Viv Richards to Sunil Gavaskar at Madras 1983.

Gavaskar had decided to relinquish his opening position and come in at
no 4 for that test. But, Malcolm Marshall fired out Anshuman Gaekwad and

Dilip Vengsarkar for ducks, setting the stage for Gavaskar to walk in at

0/2. And he thought there would be less pressure!

***********************************************************

Greg Thomas was bowling to Viv Richards in a county game. Viv missed a
superb outswinger, and Thomas said "It's red, round and weighs about 5
1/2 ounces."
Next ball Viv hits Greg Thomas out of the ground for 6 and replies,
"Greg, you know
what it looks like. Go ahead and find it!"

***********************************************************

Then there's this wicketkeeper who quietly asked the new batsman: "So
how's your
wife, and my kids?"
Guess who.........Rod Marsh....to Ian Botham!!

*********************************************************

New Zealand vs South Africa:
Daryll Cullinan was batting, attempting a comeback from a complete
bamboozling from
Warne in earlier games. Cullinan played the first ball from Chris Harris
very carefully
Back down the pitch, and keeper Parore yelled out "Well bowled Warnie!"

***********************************************************

Australia fighting for a win nearing the end of a Test Match, Fred
Trueman at the crease.
The Aus captain has plenty of close in fielders, whose shadows fall on
the wicket.
Fredie finds this objectionable. 'Ere, if you lads don't back off, I'll
appeal for bad light!"

***********************************************************

The best of the best
(Incident described in "From the Pavilion End" by Harold "Dickie" Bird)

"Bomber" Wells, a spin bowler and great character, played for
Glocuestershire and
Nottinghamshire. He used to bat at No.11 since one couldn't bat any
lower. Of him,
They used to paraphrase Compton's famous words describing and equally
inept runner;
"When he shouts 'YES' for a run, it is merely the basis for further
negotiations!"
Incidentally, Compton was no better. John Warr said, of Compton "He was
the only person
who would call you for a run and wish you luck at the same time."
Anyway, when Wells
played for Gloucs, he had an equally horrendous runner as the No.10.
During a county
match, horror of horrors.......both got injured. *Both* opted for
runners when it was
their turn to bat. Bomber played a ball on the off, called for a run,
forgot he had a
runner and ran himself. Ditto at the other end. In the melee, someone
decided that a
second run was on. Now we had *all four* running. Due to the confusion
and constant
shouts of "YES" "NO", eventually, *all* of them ran to the same end.
Note - at this point
in time, the entire ground is rolling on the floor laughing their
behinds out. One of the
fielders - brave lad - stops laughing for a minute, picks the ball and
throws down the
wicket at the other end. Umpire Alec Skelding looks very seriously at
the four and
calmly informs them "One of you buggers is out. I don't know which.
*You* decide and
inform the bloody scorers!".

"It was worth it"

Horror gripped the heart of a World War-I soldier, as he saw his
lifelong friend fall in battle. The soldier asked his Lieutenant if he
could
go out to bring his fallen comrade back. "You can go," said the
Lieutenant, "but don't think it will be worth it.Your friend is probably
dead
and you may throw your life away." The Lieutenant's words didn't
matter, and the soldier went anyway. Miraculously,he managed to reach
his
friend, hoisted him onto his shoulder and brought him back to their
company's trench. The officer checked the wounded soldier , then looked
kindly at his friend. " I told you it wouldn't be worth it,"
he said. "Your friend is dead and you are mortally wounded." "It was
worth it, Sir," said the soldier. "What do you mean by worth it?"
responded the Lieutenant. " Your friend is dead."
"Yes Sir," the soldier answered, " but it was worth it because when I
got to him, he was still alive and I had the satisfaction of hearing him
say...."Jim...I knew you'd come."

Many times in life, whether a thing is worth doing or not, really
depends on how u look at it.

Confucius' musings...

A person asked Confucius, "What surprises you most about mankind?"

Confucius answered,

"They lose their health to make money and

then lose their money to restore their health.

By thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present,

such that they live neither for the present nor the future and

they live as if they will never die,

and they die as if they had never lived....."

God does exist

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut. As the barber began to
work, they began to have conversation. They talked about so many things
and various subjects.

When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said:

"I don't believe that God exists."

"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.

"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't
exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people?

Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there

would

be

neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving a God who would
allow all of these things."

The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't
want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer
left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the
street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He

looked dirty and unkempt.

The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said

to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."

"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am
a barber. And I just worked on you!"

"No" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did,
there would be nobody with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like
that man outside."

"Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens, is, people do not come to me. "

"Exactly" - affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God too DOES
exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him.
That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

globalization.... extended definition ;-)

Question:

What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer:Princess Diana's death.

Question:How?


Answer:

An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you..
change the spelling)

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles,

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines!

And this is sent to you by an Indian ,

using Bill Gates' technology,

and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones,

that use Taiwanese-made chips,

programmed by low cost Indian programmers,

and a Korean-made monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by lorries driven by Srilankans ,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked by Mexican illegals.....

That,my friend, is Globalization!


"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality."
-- Albert Einstein


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Clever Mathematician

Long ago, a clever mathematician used to cheat people. Once he borrowed
Rs.4000/- from a rich man. After a few days, he borrowed Rs.2000/- from
the same man. Many days passed, the mathematician did not return the money
to the rich man. The rich man went to the mathematician and asked to
return the money. But to his great surprise, the mathematician replied
that there is no need to pay the debt.

"See here, friend" said the mathematician " the sum of 4000 and 2000 is
equal to zero, so I do not have any balance to pay".

The rich man took the matter to the court. When the judge came to know
this, he was astonished. He asked the mathematician to prove that sum of
4000 and 2000 is zero, and not 6000.

The Clever mathematician agreed. He said:

let a = 4000, b = 2000 and c = 6000

a + b = c

Multiply both sides by a + b

(a + b) (a + b) = c (a + b)

a*a + ab + ba + b*b = ca + cb

a*a + ab - ca = cb - b*b - ba

a( a + b -c) = -b(b + a - c)

so a = - b

a + b = 0

Hence by putting the values of "a" and "b" as 4000 and 2000 respectively,
their sum is zero, so the mathematician saw no need to pay any money to
the rich man.

The above calculation has no doubt surprised you as it did the judge.

So, what do u say?

do u have an answer???????think again!!!!!!!!!!

Read this question, come up with an answer and then
scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not
a trick question. All the information you need is
provided in the four sentences below. No one I know
has
gotten it right, including me.


A woman, while at the funeral of her mother, met this
guy whom she did not know. She thought the guy was
amazing, her dream man! She fell in love with him
instantly, but never asked for his phone number and
could not find him after the funeral. A few days later
she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?
(Give this some thought before you answer) then
scroll down for the answer

Answer below......




























Answer:
She was hoping that the guy would appear at the
funeral again. If you
answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.
This was a test
by a
famous American psychologist used to test if someone
has the same
mentality
as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in
the test
answered
the question correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for
you - you're
normal.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know
so I can take you off of my email list unless that
will tick you off,
then
I'll just be extra nice to you from now on.

Actual Analogies found in High School Essays

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature
Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who
went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes
with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of
those
boxes with a pinhole in it.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because Of
his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a Bowling
ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with
vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal
quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on
at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also
never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East
River.

Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan
just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a
while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real
duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.)
in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry
Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the Impeachment
of President William Jefferson Clinton.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind
her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power
tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she
were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any PH
cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

[In my bedroom] the chest stood in the corner like a little, old lady with
her knobs hanging out.

As to my taste in music, my boyfriend has influenced me greatly with his
twelve-inch woofer and two tweeters

September, 1752

Try this out:

At the command prompt of a Unix system ($), type : cal 9 1752

Surprised????

See the explanation for what you see. If you are not in Unix don't
worry:

see below:


September 1752


S M Tu W Th F S
1 2 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30

Isn't the output queer? A month with whole eleven days less?
This was the time England shifted from Roman Julian Calendar to the
Gregorian Calendar, and the king of England ordered those 11 days
to be wiped off the face of the month of September of 1752.
(What couldn't a King do in those days?!)

And yes, the workers worked for 11 days less, but got paid for the
entire
30 days. And that's how "Paid Leave" was born. (Bless those
people).