Lil Johnny ROCKS !!! \,,/

One day Lil Johny says to his father:

I want to get married.

Father: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind?
Johny: Yes , Grandma
Father: What? There is a problem now, you want to marry my Mother?
Johny: Why not? You married my mother

__________________________________

L.Johnny: Can I go to the toilet?

Teacher: Johhny, MAY I go to the toilet?

L.Johnny: But I asked first!

__________________________________

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

__________________________________________________

"Johnny, did your Mother help you with your homework last night?" the teacher asked.

"No, she did it all," Little Johnny replied.

__________________________________________________

"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"

Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny "At least you could try, right?"

________________________________________

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

Little Johnny: One dollar.

Teacher(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.

Little Johnny (sadly): You don't know my father

__________________________

Teacher: "Hello boys, Remember!!! Nothing is impossible."

Little Johnny: "OK sir, could you please squeeze out all the toothpaste and put back it into the tube again."

When Insults had Class

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices
I admire." --Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
-- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many
obituaries with great pleasure."- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send
a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about
Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come
from big words?" Ernest Hemingway (about William
Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll
waste no time reading it." Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea
of any man I know." Abraham Linclon

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this
wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter
saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his
friends." -- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my
new play. Bring a friend... if you have one." - George
Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend
second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in
response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like
having you here." --Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." --
John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's
nothing trivial." -  Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of
dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation
won't cure." -- Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." --
Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from
the sum of human knowledge"-- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker
forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame
them." - James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always
yielded easily." --Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --
Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without
any address on it?" -- Mark Twain

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others,
whenever they go." --Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...
for support rather than illumination."-- Andrew Lang
(1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -- Billy Wilder

Stages of Hangover

1 star hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap,
which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries.

2 star hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is only acerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.

3 star hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.  Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards.  You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke - yet you
haven't peed once.

4 star hangover (****) Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you
might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76.

5 star hangover, (*****) AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell." You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your house.

6 star hangover (******) otherwise known as the "Infinite Nutsmacker" You wake up on your bathroom
floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow manages to get up before you the next morning.... You try to lift your head. Not an option. It is when you turn your head too quickly only to smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair, and suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You
look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" faintly atop your forehead......that explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of  wearing is your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.

Why only women's letters to Dear Abby are printed ...

Maybe this is why it seems only women's letters to Abby
are printed....

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need
your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

To begin, I've suspected for some time now that my wife
has been cheating on me. The usual signs... phone rings
but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been
going out with the girls a lot recently although when I
ask their names she always says, "Just some friends
from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming
home, but she always walks down the drive, although I
can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of
the car around the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a
taxi? I once picked up her cell phone just to see what
time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I
should never touch her phone again and why was I
checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my
wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the
truth, but last night she went out again and I decided
to really check on her. I decided I was going to park
my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and
then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the
whole street when she came home.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that
I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to
be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix
myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,

Bob

Things to say at the office when stressed

1.  Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf**k you.

2.  You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

3.  Well this day was a total waste of make-up.

4.  Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?

5.  Don't bother me; I'm living happily ever after.

6.  Do I look like a people person?

7.  This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

8.  I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

9.  Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless
acts of self-control?

11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't
       gone to sleep yet.

16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.

17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder... my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like crap. Is that the style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

Time & Work

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year-old son waiting for him at the door...

Son: "Daddy, may I ask you a question"

Daddy: "Yeah sure, what it is?"

Son: "Dad, how much do you make an hour"

Daddy: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?"that man said angrily

Son: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"


Daddy: "I make Rs. 500 an hour"

"Oh", the little boy replied, with his head down. Looking up, he said,

"Dad, may I please borrow Rs. 300?"

The father was furious, "if the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or other nonsense,then march yourself to your room and go to bed. Think why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior"

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions.

How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:"May be there was something he really needed to buy with that Rs. 300 and he really didn't ask for money very often!" The man went to the door of little boy's room and opened the door. "Are you asleep, son?" He asked. "No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.

"I've been thinking, may be I was too hard on you earlier", said the man, "It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the Rs.300 you asked for" The little boy sat straight up, smiling "oh thank you dad!" He yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled some crippled up notes.The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at his father. "Why do you want money if you already had some?" the father grumbled.

"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied."Daddy I have Rs. 500 now. Can I buy an hour of your time ? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you."

A New STD to be concerned about

(ATLANTA)  The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a
new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease.  The disease is
contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is
called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many
victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past
four years.  Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected
include: antisocial personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with
messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to
incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia,
inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked
by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of
geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy,
categorical all-or-nothing behavior.  Naturalists and epidemiologists
are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years
ago from a bush found in Texas.