Sunday, March 19, 2006

Black Robber

David Letterman's take on this:( And it's a true story...)

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat,"shetold her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two menalready aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure. The woman froze.Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me.

Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and the another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her.

My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed.

She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the
elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.

When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose
was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said:"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed;

Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Questions and Answers about Health

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and
that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything
wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not
make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend
the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a
cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism
of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is
distilled wine, that means they take the water out of
the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness
that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your
ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio
is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in
a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy
is: No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days
in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How
could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little
soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO...... Cocoa beans! Another
vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales
to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

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Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you
may have had about food and diets.