The Forwarder's Therapy

Lil Johnny ROCKS !!! \,,/

2008-08-27T09:17:00.004+05:30

One day Lil Johny says to his father:

I want to get married.

Father: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind?
Johny: Yes , Grandma
Father: What? There is a problem now, you want to marry my Mother?
Johny: Why not? You married my mother

__________________________________

L.Johnny: Can I go to the toilet?

Teacher: Johhny, MAY I go to the toilet?

L.Johnny: But I asked first!

__________________________________

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

__________________________________________________

"Johnny, did your Mother help you with your homework last night?" the teacher asked.

"No, she did it all," Little Johnny replied.

__________________________________________________

"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"

Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny "At least you could try, right?"

________________________________________

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

Little Johnny: One dollar.

Teacher(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.

Little Johnny (sadly): You don't know my father

__________________________

Teacher: "Hello boys, Remember!!! Nothing is impossible."

Little Johnny: "OK sir, could you please squeeze out all the toothpaste and put back it into the tube again."

When Insults had Class

2007-08-06T12:31:00.001+05:30

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices
I admire." --Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
-- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many
obituaries with great pleasure."- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send
a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about
Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come
from big words?" Ernest Hemingway (about William
Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll
waste no time reading it." Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea
of any man I know." Abraham Linclon

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this
wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter
saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his
friends." -- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my
new play. Bring a friend... if you have one." - George
Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend
second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in
response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like
having you here." --Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." --
John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's
nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of
dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation
won't cure." -- Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." --
Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from
the sum of human knowledge"-- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker
forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame
them." - James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always
yielded easily." --Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --
Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without
any address on it?" -- Mark Twain

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others,
whenever they go." --Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...
for support rather than illumination."-- Andrew Lang
(1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -- Billy Wilder

Stages of Hangover

2006-11-28T14:08:00.000+05:30

1 star hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap,
which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries.

2 star hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is only acerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.

3 star hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke - yet you
haven't peed once.

4 star hangover (****) Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you
might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76.

5 star hangover, (*****) AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell." You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your house.

6 star hangover (******) otherwise known as the "Infinite Nutsmacker" You wake up on your bathroom
floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow manages to get up before you the next morning.... You try to lift your head. Not an option. It is when you turn your head too quickly only to smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair, and suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You
look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" faintly atop your forehead......that explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.

Why only women's letters to Dear Abby are printed ...

2006-10-17T18:22:00.000+05:30

Maybe this is why it seems only women's letters to Abby
are printed....

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need
your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

To begin, I've suspected for some time now that my wife
has been cheating on me. The usual signs... phone rings
but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been
going out with the girls a lot recently although when I
ask their names she always says, "Just some friends
from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming
home, but she always walks down the drive, although I
can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of
the car around the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a
taxi? I once picked up her cell phone just to see what
time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I
should never touch her phone again and why was I
checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my
wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the
truth, but last night she went out again and I decided
to really check on her. I decided I was going to park
my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and
then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the
whole street when she came home.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that
I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to
be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix
myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,

Bob

Things to say at the office when stressed

2006-04-30T12:29:00.000+05:30

1.  Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf**k you.

2.  You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

3.  Well this day was a total waste of make-up.

4.  Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?

5.  Don't bother me; I'm living happily ever after.

6.  Do I look like a people person?

7.  This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

8.  I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

9.  Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless
acts of self-control?

11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't
       gone to sleep yet.

16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.

17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder... my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like crap. Is that the style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

Time & Work

2006-04-25T15:45:00.000+05:30

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year-old son waiting for him at the door...

Son: "Daddy, may I ask you a question"

Daddy: "Yeah sure, what it is?"

Son: "Dad, how much do you make an hour"

Daddy: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?"that man said angrily

Son: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"

Daddy: "I make Rs. 500 an hour"

"Oh", the little boy replied, with his head down. Looking up, he said,

"Dad, may I please borrow Rs. 300?"

The father was furious, "if the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or other nonsense,then march yourself to your room and go to bed. Think why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior"

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions.

How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:"May be there was something he really needed to buy with that Rs. 300 and he really didn't ask for money very often!" The man went to the door of little boy's room and opened the door. "Are you asleep, son?" He asked. "No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.

"I've been thinking, may be I was too hard on you earlier", said the man, "It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the Rs.300 you asked for" The little boy sat straight up, smiling "oh thank you dad!" He yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled some crippled up notes.The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at his father. "Why do you want money if you already had some?" the father grumbled.

"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied."Daddy I have Rs. 500 now. Can I buy an hour of your time ? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you."

A New STD to be concerned about

2006-04-17T17:16:00.000+05:30

(ATLANTA)  The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a
new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease.  The disease is
contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is
called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many
victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past
four years.  Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected
include: antisocial personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with
messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to
incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia,
inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked
by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of
geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy,
categorical all-or-nothing behavior.  Naturalists and epidemiologists
are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years
ago from a bush found in Texas.

Black Robber

2006-03-19T00:33:00.000+05:30

David Letterman's take on this:( And it's a true story...)

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat,"shetold her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two menalready aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure. The woman froze.Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me.

Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and the another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her.

My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed.

She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the
elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.

When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose
was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said:"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed;

Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan

Questions and Answers about Health

2006-03-08T16:59:00.000+05:30

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and
that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything
wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not
make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend
the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a
cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism
of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is
distilled wine, that means they take the water out of
the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness
that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your
ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio
is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in
a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy
is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days
in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How
could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little
soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO...... Cocoa beans! Another
vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales
to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

-----------------------------------

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you
may have had about food and diets.

Friendships

2006-02-09T15:12:00.000+05:30

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she
told her husband that she had slept over at a
girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told
his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The
woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of
them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed
that he was still there.

Observation

2005-11-11T13:41:00.001+05:30

VERY INTERESTING.......

YEAR 1981

1. PRINCE CHARLES GOT MARRIED
2. LIVERPOOL CROWNED CHAMPIONS OF EUROPE
3. AUSTRALIA LOST THE ASHES
4. POPE DIED

YEAR 2005

1. PRINCE CHARLES GOT MARRIED
2. LIVERPOOL CROWNED CHAMPIONS OF EUROPE
3. AUSTRALIA LOST THE ASHES
4. POPE DIED

IN FUTURE, IF PRINCE CHARLES DECIDES TO RE-MARRY .... GOD BLESS THE POPE !!

Observation

2005-11-11T13:41:00.000+05:30

VERY INTERESTING.......

YEAR 1981

1. PRINCE CHARLES GOT MARRIED
2. LIVERPOOL CROWNED CHAMPIONS OF EUROPE
3. AUSTRALIA LOST THE ASHES
4. POPE DIED

YEAR 2005

1. PRINCE CHARLES GOT MARRIED
2. LIVERPOOL CROWNED CHAMPIONS OF EUROPE
3. AUSTRALIA LOST THE ASHES
4. POPE DIED

IN FUTURE, IF PRINCE CHARLES DECIDES TO RE-MARRY .... GOD BLESS THE POPE !!

The Twelve Step Program

2005-11-09T22:36:00.000+05:30

THE 12 STEP PROGRAM

The 12-Step Program for Web Addict Survivors - Join now
(Free Membership if you join within the next 30 days!)

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read
my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not
with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash
clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the
Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those
unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-
deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot
contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book ... I think I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and
stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the
music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check
for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a
week, whether it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I
forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy
on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go
to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there
tomorrow!

Oneliners from Maurizio

2005-11-08T19:12:00.000+05:30

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
firearms with me. I said, "What do you need?"

NASA reports that galaxies are speeding away from earth at 90,000 miles
a second. What do you suppose they know that we don't?

I asked my mailman why my letters were all wet... he said "postage
dew".

Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.

The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee is spilled coffee.

Odd that when a house burns down, the only things left standing are the
chimney and the fireplace.

Only in America do we shop at places with limited parking, overpriced
items, and long lines and insultingly, call them convenience stores.

We're going to have a terrorist attack, but we don't know where or
when. I think you could say the same thing about tornadoes.

I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this much, he doesn't
like it when you join in.

How dangerous could a fax be, if the pen is mightier than the sword and
a picture is worth a thousand words.

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing,
the birds are singing and the lawn mower is broken.

Jargon Generator

2005-11-06T11:05:00.000+05:30

Do you want to impress or confuse clients or Vice versa?.........use
Techno vocabulary.. It can be called the "Buzzword" writing method.

It is simple.

There are three columns of words involved, as follows:

0. Balanced 0. Management 0. contingency
1. total 1. Organization 1. Hardware (or software)
2. integrated 2. reciprocal 2. projection
3. compatible 3. monitored 3. time-frame
4. synchronized 4. digital 4. concept
5. optimal 5. modular 5. programming
6. responsive 6. transitional 6. mobility
7. functional 7. Incremental 7. capability
8. parallel 8. third-generation 8. flexibility
9. systemized 9. policy 9. options

Just select any three-digit number; then use the corresponding Buzzwords
from the above grid, e.g., 257: "integrated modular capability".
Don't worry if it doesn't make sense to you; it won't mean anything
to anyone else either, but they'll think you're just smarter than they
are so they won't say anything!! ..
You can propose "systemized reciprocal options" (929) to achieve
"optimal transitional flexibility" (568), so that we can think of an
"integrated monitored projection" ..............and your boss will probably promote
you or your customer will be blown away with your technological
superiority.

Fun wid Unix

2005-11-04T22:00:00.000+05:30

I haven't tried these yet...

>List of some actual "funny" responses from Unix when
you mis-enter
>"appropriate"
>
>$ cat "food in cans"
>cat: can't open food in cans
>
>$ nice man woman
>No manual entry for woman.
>
>$ rm God
>rm: God nonexistent
>
>$ ar t God
>ar: God does not exist
>
>$ ar r God
>ar: creating God
>
>
>$ got a light?
>No match.
>
>$ man: why did you get a divorce?
>man:: Too many arguments.
>
>$ !:say, what is saccharine?
>Bad substitute.
>
>$ drink bottle: cannot open
>opener: not found
>

Steven Wright

2005-10-31T20:13:00.000+05:30

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous
erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of
my stuff had been stolen.. and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind seems to see things differently than we do, to our
amazement and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:

1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3. Half the people you know are below average.

4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder."

24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to
be on it.

27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

More Laws

2005-10-28T23:57:00.000+05:30

Agnes Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get
into than out of.

Army Laws: If it moves, salute it. If it doesn't move,
pick it up. If you can't pick it up, paint it.

Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people:
those who divide people into two types, and those who
don't.

Bartz's Law of Hokey Horsepuckery: The more ridiculous
a belief system, the higher the probability of its
success.

Baruch's Rule for Determining Old Age: Old age is
always fifteen years older than I am.

Basic Law of Construction: Cut it large and kick it
into place.

Becker's Law: It is much harder to find a job than to
keep one.

Benchley's Law: Anyone can do any amount of work,
provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing
at that moment.

Berra's Law: You can observe a lot just by watching.

Bicycle Law: All bicycles weigh 50 pounds: A 30-pound
bicycle needs a 20-pound lock and chain. A 40-pound
bicycle needs a 10-pound lock and chain. A 50-pound
bicycle needs no lock or chain.

Boling's Postulate: If you're feeling good, don't
worry. You'll get over it.

Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose
office plants have died.

Boren's Laws of the Bureaucracy: 1. When in doubt,
mumble. 2. When in trouble, delegate. 3. When in
charge, ponder.

Borstelmann's Rule: If everything seems to be coming
your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

Bralek's Rule for Success: Trust only those who stand
to lose as much as you do when things go wrong.

Brien's First Law: At some time in the life cycle of
virtually every organization, its ability to succeed in
spite of itself runs out.

Cannon's Comment: If you tell the boss you were late
for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning
you will have a flat tire.

Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people
some of the time, and some of the people all of the
time, but you can't fool MOM.

Cardinal Conundrum: An optimist believes we live in the
best of all possible worlds. A pessimist fears this is
true.

Character and Appearance Law: People don't change; they
only become more so.

Clarke's Law of Revolutionary Ideas: Every
revolutionary idea -- in Science, Politics, Art or
Whatever -- evokes three stages of reaction. They may
be summed up by the three phrases: 1. "It is completely
impossible -- don't waste my time." 2. "It is possible,
but it is not worth doing." 3. "I said it was a good
idea all along."

Clarke's Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced
technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Cleveland's Highway Law: Highways in the worst need of
repair naturally have low traffic counts, which results
in low priority for repair work.

Clyde's Law: If you have something to do, and you put
it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it
for you.

Cohen's Law of Wisdom: Wisdom is considered a sign of
weakness by the powerful because a wise man can lead
without power but only a powerful man can lead without
wisdom.

Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet
is a constant; the population is growing.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Colvard's Logical Premise: All probabilities are 50%.
Either a thing will happen, or it won't.

Commoner's Three Laws of Ecology: 1. No action is
without side-effects. 2. Nothing ever goes away. 3.
There is no free lunch.

Cooper's Law: All machines are amplifiers.

Dieter's Law: The food that tastes the best has the
highest number of calories.

Displaced Hassle Principle: To beat the bureaucracy,
make your problem their problem.

Ducharm's Axiom: If you view your problem closely
enough, you will recognize yourself as part of the
problem.

Dykstra's Law: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Edelstein's Advice: Don't worry over what other people
are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over
what you are thinking about them.

Ehrlich's Rule: The first rule of intelligent tinkering
is to save all the parts.

Ettorre's Observation: The other line moves faster.
Corollary: Don't try to change lines. The other line --
the one you were in originally -- will then move
faster.

Farber's Third Law: We're all going down the same road
in different directions

Finagle's Laws of Information: 1. The information you
have is not what you want. 2. The information you want
is not what you need. 3. The information you need is
not what you can obtain. 4. The information you can
obtain costs more than you want to pay.

Finnigan's Law: The farther away the future is, the
better it looks.

India, an FAQ

2005-09-27T23:33:00.000+05:30

To help the new wave of incoming students from India, here are the
proper answers to awkward questions asked everyday:

Q. What does that red dot on women's forehead mean?
A.
1. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills
by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that
is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they
mastered the art of archery and hit the target....
2. Each dot is unique. Since most indian women are very beautiful
their husbands might be confused so they look at each dot to identify
their wives. Also at night the dots will shine..like a flashlight.

Q. You're from India? I have read so much about the country.All the
wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do
you still use elephants for transportation?
A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our
house.But later, we started participating in elephant-ride sharing
schemes with our neighbors, to save the air.You see elephants have an
"emissions" problem.....

Q. Does India have cars?
A.No.We ride elephants to work.The government is trying to encourage
ride-sharing schemes.

Q. Does India have TV?
A. No. We only have cable.

Q. Are all Indians vegetarian?
A. Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India.

Q.How come you speak English so well?
A. You see when the British were ruling India,they employed Indians as
servants.It took too long for the Indians to learn English. So the
British isolated an "English-language" gene and infused their
servants' babies with it and since then all babies born are born
speaking English.

Q. Are you a Hindi?
A. Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India.

Q. Do you speak Hindu?
A. Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.

Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me
go to school.

Q. India is very hot, isn't it?
A. It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously. That is
why tea is such a popular drink in India.

Q. Are there any business companies in India?
A. No. All Indians live on the Gandhian prinicples of
self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own
food.That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians -- it is is a
lot of hard work.

Q. Do you have Coca-Cola in India?
A. It was first made out of coconut...in india. But Indians didn't
like it much. So the Americans bought it and named it coke (from
coconut).

Q. India is such a religious place.Do you meditate regularly?
A. Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink.But it
is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I
meditate like that. But the bosses there do the same thing. That is
why things are so inefficient there.

Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that?
A. We don't have shoes.So we burn the botton of our feet to make it
hard so that we can walk.

Q. Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?
A. I prefer it to coming naked.

Life's Instruction Book

2005-09-23T16:38:00.000+05:30

Even at the risk of sounding corny, here goes...

Have a firm handshake.
Look people in the eye.
Sing in the shower.
Own a great stereo system.
If in a fight, hit first and hit hard.
Keep secrets.
Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.
Always accept an outstretched hand.
Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.
Whistle.
Avoid sarcastic remarks.
Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 per cent of all your happiness or misery.
Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.
Lend only those books you never care to see again.
Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.
When playing games with ! children, let them win.
Give people a second chance, but not a third.
Be romantic.
Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you
know.
Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems.
Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It's there for your convenience, not the caller's.
Be a good loser.
Be a good winner.
Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.
When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.
Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.
Keep it simple.
Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.
Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.
Live your life so that your epitaph could read, No Regrets
Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret thethings you didn't do more than the one's you did.
Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who helped you.
Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.
Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only stay a few minutes.
Begin each day with some of your favorite music.
Once in a while, take the scenic route.
Send a lot of Valentine cards. Sign them, 'Someone who thinks you're terrific.'
Answer the phone with enthusiasm and energy in your voice.
Keep a note pad and pencil on your bed-side table. Million-dollar ideas sometimes strike at 3 a.m .
Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial their job.
Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.
Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind you.
Become someone's hero.
Marry only for love.
Count your blessings.
Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home.
Wave at the children on a school bus.
Remember that 80 per cent of the success in any job is based on your ability to deal with people.
Don't expect life to be fair.

Some furniture, this is

2005-09-21T18:26:00.000+05:30

Jeff Green is a 32 year old American, in Arizona , whose wife passed away.

Due to the grief he suffered at her death, he did something totally out of character for a normal and sane person.

He said, "I could no longer take the pain that my wife's death caused me and so I brought her back home."

His wife, Lucy, was born with a heart condition that cut her life short at the young age of 29. Lucy's last words to Jeff were, "We will meet again in heaven.", but these words were of no consolation in Jeff's despair.

At the funeral, in an act of desperation, Jeff decided that he would not let Lucy leave him.

"I called the cemetery caretaker and explained my feelings." he said later, "I spoke with the authorities and got special permission to take my wife home with me. They thought it strange, but I was allowed to take her with me. I'd rather have her at home than six feet under ground. Lucy had a great sense of humour and I'm sure she would appreciate being my coffee table."

Jeff ordered a special hermetically sealed glass case that eliminates the decomposition of a dead body. "It cost me about $6,000.00, but it was worth it."

Some of his friends and relatives, filled with fear, stopped visiting him, but his true friends respected his decision and continue coming over.

Some even comment that it makes a nice piece of furniture.

Know about yourself

2005-09-07T12:59:00.000+05:30

Check this out.... It Really Worked with me.... Will work with u too... Here you have a great chance to know about yourself like your character etc. without spending any money. This test was devised by oxford university. It tells about your personality just by your choice. So know yourself & enjoy Here it is..... Imagine you walked into a small hut by the river in the jungle. You pushed open the door, in front of you were 7 small beds to the right of the hut,and another 7 small chairs surrounding a small round table. In the middle of the table was a round food tray with 5 kinds of fruit in it. There are: a. Apple b. Banana c. Strawberry d. Peach e. Orange Which fruit will u choose? Your choice reveals about u! Pls be very Honest to yourself..... & Now scroll down for results: ................... ...................... .................................... .................................... .................................... .................................... .................................... ......................... ............................ ..................................... ............................................... TEST RESULTS: Here are the results. --------------------------- a. if you chosen apple: that means you are a person who loves to eat Apple b. if you chosen banana: that means you are a person who loves to eat Banana c. if you chosen strawberry: that means you are a person who loves to eat Strawberry d. if you chosen peach: that means you are a person who loves to eat Peach e. if you chosen orange: that means you are person who loves to eat Orange Mine was STRAWBERRY!!! ;)

A kiss for...

2005-08-27T02:38:00.000+05:30

Bush, Manmohan, Aishwarya rai and Sonia are travelling in a train. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenlythere is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The women and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed. Bush is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything. Sonia is thinking: These Americans are all crazy after Aishwarya. Bush must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him. Aishwarya is thinking: Bush must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped. > Bush is thinking: > Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya. She might have thought it was me and slapped me. Manmohan is thinking: if t his train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap Bush again __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around http://mail.yahoo.com

SPONSORED LINKS

`Cynosure`	`Culture`	`Hyderabad`
`Corporate culture`	`Hawaiian culture`	`Hispanic culture`

YAHOO! GROUPS LINKS

Visit your group "cynosures" on the web.

To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to: cynosures-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.

--
http://sidscool.blogspot.com

"If you ar not having fun, you are not doing it right."

Euro English

2005-08-26T23:09:00.000+05:30

The European Commission has just announced an
agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European
Union rather
than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government
conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has
accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as
"Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this
will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This
should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will
make words
like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling
kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
changes are
possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of
double letters
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent
"e" in the
languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as

replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from
vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a
reil sensibl
riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil
find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil
finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German
like zey vunted
in ze forst plas

________________________________
Check out Yahoo! India Rakhi Special for Rakhi shopping, contests and
lots more.
http://in.promos.yahoo.com/rakhi/index.html

--
http://sidscool.blogspot.com

"If you ar not having fun, you are not doing it right."

Insurance Report

2005-08-05T15:06:00.000+05:30

Possibly the funniest story in a long while,this is a bricklayer's
accident report, which was printed in
the newsletter of the American Insurance Journal. This is a true story.

Had this guy died,he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.

Dear Sir:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information
in Block 3 of the accident report form.I put "poor planning" as the
cause of my accident.You asked for a fuller explanation and I
trust the following details will be sufficient.

I was alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed
my work,I found that I had some bricks left over which,when weighed
later,were found to be slightly more than 500 lbs.Rather than carry
the
bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a
pulley,which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth
floor.

Securing the rope at ground level,I went up to the roof,swung the
barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.Then I went down and untied
the rope,holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form, that I weigh 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly,I lost
my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.Needless to say,I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor,I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.This explains the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed
in section 3 of! the accident report form.

Slowed down slightly,I continued my rapid ascent,not stopping until
the fingers on my right hand were two knuckles deep into the
pulley.Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and
was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to
experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time,however,the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks,that barrel weighed approximately 50lbs.

I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine,I began a rapid descent,down the side of the
building.In the vicinity of the third floor,I met the barrel coming
up.This accounts for the two fractured ankles,broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
pile of bricks and fortunately,only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report,however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks,in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind
and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel
beginning its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your questions.

Management Lessons

2005-08-01T02:37:00.000+05:30

I normally let any kind of preaching forwards just pass, but this one
is just too good.
--
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent,
excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy."

Lesson I - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

*******************************************************************************

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window:

"I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished
woman replies:
"I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up bitch! I said, I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in
this bank."
Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the
bank manager to tell him about her problem customer.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer: "What seems to
be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says.
"I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a
damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager thoughtfully. "And you're saying that this
bitch here is giving you a hard time?"

Lesson II - If you are RICH, you can get away with almost anything.

*******************************************************************************

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA
when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of ese
are you?" Confused, the Japanese replied, "Sorry but I don't
understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the
Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are
you...Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind
of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"

Lesson III - Never insult anyone.

*******************************************************************************

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, a British and a French,
who found this small genie bottle.
When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4
guys had released him out of the bottle, he said,
"Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish.
When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the
pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE".
The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so
happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted," VODKA" and
immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so
contented with his beer pool.
The last is the British. He was running towards the pool when suddenly
he steps on a banana peel.
He slipped towards the pool and shouted, SHIT!!!!!!!........."

Lesson IV - Think twice before you say something, because sometimes
what you say accidentally does happen.
*******************************************************************************

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to
a meeting.
On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub
the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are
three, I will allow one wish each"

So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to
be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries.
"Pfufffff, and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted " I want to be
in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.
"Pfufffff, and he was also gone.

The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch"

Lesson V- "Always allow the bosses to speak first"

Letter to dad

2005-07-25T15:07:00.000+05:30

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope
propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad"
With the premonition, he opened the envelope and read the The
letter.......

Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had
to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with
mom and you.I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so
nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle
clothes. But it's not only he passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said
that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is
so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a
stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more
children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.Joan taught me that
marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and
trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In
the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan
can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know Someday I'm sure we'll
be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, John

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbours house I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
report card that's in my desk centre drawer. I love you! Call when it is
safe for me to come home.

A grad-student emotion check-list

2005-06-26T10:36:00.000+05:30

6:30am Wakeup and lie awake in Bed
6:31 Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner, means no eating out for the next 6 weeks
6:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep.
7:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize you didn't hit the snooze button--you turned it off.
7:01 fall asleep again.
7:44 Wake up with heart in mouth again.
7:45 Ready to go to school, will shave tommorrow,

will eat early brunch at
(Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko

's whatever
cafeteria).
8:03 Arrive at school
Realize your foreign officemate arrived
earlier today must have got more work done
8:04 Pass by Advisor's office, chat with
Secretary
to find out if he is
coming in today. He is, darn.
Need to start work on the draft due this
afternoon.
8:15 Read electronic mail
8:20 Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201
regarding questions
about the class.
Hate your TA job.
Depression: too much work to do today
9:00 For jumpstart: go to Pepsi machine.
9:05 Kick Pepsi machine; promise yourself to call
up the company and ask for your money back. Wonder why they would beleive you.
9:33 Start printing out loads of stuff that may
be
vaguely related to your work.
9:41 Early morning stupefaction.
Mutter racist comments to yourself about
your
officemate.
9:43 Curse your officemate in a low tone he would

not comprehend.Feel good about him not
grasping English well.
9:58 Finger everyone in the department and most
people half way
around the world (using the "finger"
command,
of course)
10:19 Feel sleepy, should not have stayed late
playing tetris last night.
10:31 momentary panic attack!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:43 edit .plan file. write a shell program to
edit .plan more easily
10:59 Drop in at advisor's office and borrow
something you dont need
& and kinda make him aware you are working
hard on your project.
11:05 perverted daydreams
11:11 read electronic news
mid-morning yawn time
11:34 Start typing junk at a very high key-in rate

to pretend
you are working hard as your advisor passes
by from outside.
11:35 Press the BackSpace key for one and a half
minute until all the garbage you typed in is erased. Realize that you can type more than 256 characters per half minute 11:41 Flirt with the new girl in the department 11:45 Print out some slides for afternoon\'s draft + presentation 11:47 Print them again, you forgot to change the date from last presentation 11:49 Print another copy in case this one gets lost 11:51 Completely forget about sueing the coffee-machine company 12:15 Hunger pangs: 12:20 BigMac/Fries time Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola from your desk. Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying bulk cola. 1:00 Group Meeting with advisor 1:14 sudden awareness of one\'s shallowness resentment towards foriegn officemate for sucking up to your advisor Get reminded by your advisor that you need to do some more work for your literature survey. 1:51 Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your draft for corrections 1:51:02 The 49 second urge to murder advisor begins!! 1:51:52 Realize that he controls your assistantship/grade/ graduation possiblity/graduation date/all job opportunities/ and the rest of your life. minute until all
the garbage you typed in is erased.
Realize that you can type more than 256
characters per half minute
11:41 Flirt with the new girl in the department
11:45 Print out some slides for afternoon's draft
+
presentation
11:47 Print them again, you forgot to change the
date from last
presentation
11:49 Print another copy in case this one gets
lost
11:51 Completely forget about sueing the
coffee-machine company
12:15 Hunger pangs:
12:20 BigMac/Fries time
Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola from

your desk.
Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying
bulk cola.
1:00 Group Meeting with advisor
1:14 sudden awareness of one's shallowness
resentment towards foriegn officemate for
sucking up to your advisor
Get reminded by your advisor that you need
to
do some more work
for your literature survey.
1:51 Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your
draft for corrections
1:51:02 The 49 second urge to murder advisor
begins!!
1:51:52 Realize that he controls your
assistantship/grade/
graduation possiblity/graduation date/all
job
opportunities/ and the rest of your life.
1:52:53 Thank him
1:52:54 Thank yourself for not saying something
stupid to your advisor.
1:53:00 splitting headache #1
1:59 Check electronic mail, don't reply though, you

are too busy to do that
2:06 More generic cola
2:17 Oh No, it is my turn to cook tonite :-(
2:30 Sit through the class you were told to sit
through
2:39 Look outside the window make unrealistic plans

to quit
this degree program and take up a job.
Wonder why blonde girls are so pretty.
2:48 More perverted day-dreams.
Close the office door and open a few .gif
files.
sharpen pencil
3:06 worry about never graduating
time to write a letter--NOT! no time for
that.
rearrange desk
call up bank; see if you have any money
fear of losing aid next Fall
Read latex manuals to figure out how to put
&$%&% in %$^% format
3:43 watch the clock
make plans to do a all-nighter tonite
Vow to watch only 2 TV programs
4:58 Notice Advisor leave
4:58:01 Sudden sense of freedom
Go home for quick, short dinner break.
9:00pm Come into the office
9:01pm The hard working grad student you are, you
have to come to the
office late at night to "get the work done"
9:03 Check electronic mail
Decide it would be a good time to attack those

ftp sites
since network wont be loaded
Run into "since network wont be loaded"
traffic
and get the
pictures into your machine.
Compress all unwanted research/class
directories to make space.
Back up all your pictures
10:11 Admire pictures
Begin work; Realize you need references
Realize its too late today to go to the
library
Sudden feeling of having wasted the day
10:49 Sudden feeling of possibly having to waste the

night
Decide to turn in early and come back very
early tommorrow morning
Decide to play a Tetris on the system to put
yourself in a good mood.
11:15 Play game after game after game to improve
your
score and get on the scoreboard.
Realize that your officemate is still at
number
6, two notches above you on the scoreboard.
12:20 Play until you beat your officemate into the
7th place.
A sense of achievment!! Yes, today was not
wasted!!
Return home to find your roommate watching
David Letterman reruns
on NBC. Tell him about the "hard working grad

student day you had"
Discuss philosophy with roommate
1:09 Think about becoming a philosopher and dining
with 4 others
(The Dining Philosophers problem, hee hee :-)

(Comp Sci joke)
Argue with him about politics, why people
prefer Japanese
cars and whether it is better to set the heat
to "hot" or "cold"
to defrost the windshields faster.
1:49 Realize neither of you have bought milk today

Get reminded of the "too much milk problem"
2:04 Forget about getting up early. Turn the phone
ringer off and go to sleep.

(Repeat)

A grad-student emotion check-list

2005-06-26T10:20:00.000+05:30

6:30am Wakeup and lie awake in Bed
6:31 Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner, means no eating out for the next 6 weeks
6:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep.
7:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize you didn't hit the snooze button--you turned it off.
7:01 fall asleep again.
7:44 Wake up with heart in mouth again.
7:45 Ready to go to school, will shave tommorrow, will eat early brunch at (Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko's whatever cafeteria).

8:03 Arrive at school. Realize your foreign officemate arrived earlier today must have got more work done
8:04 Pass by Advisor's office, chat with Secretary to find out if he is coming in today. He is, darn. Need to start work on the draft due this afternoon.
8:15 Read electronic mail
8:20 Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201 regarding questions about the class. Hate your TA job.
Depression: too much work to do today
9:00 For jumpstart: go to Pepsi machine.
9:05 Kick Pepsi machine; promise yourself to call
up the company
and ask for your money back.
Wonder why they would beleive you.
9:33 Start printing out loads of stuff that may
be
vaguely related to your work.
9:41 Early morning stupefaction.
Mutter racist comments to yourself about
your
officemate.
9:43 Curse your officemate in a low tone he would

not comprehend.Feel good about him not
grasping English well.
9:58 Finger everyone in the department and most
people half way
around the world (using the "finger"
command,
of course)
10:19 Feel sleepy, should not have stayed late
playing tetris last night.
10:31 momentary panic attack!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:43 edit .plan file. write a shell program to
edit .plan more easily
10:59 Drop in at advisor's office and borrow
something you dont need
& and kinda make him aware you are working
hard on your project.
11:05 perverted daydreams
11:11 read electronic news
mid-morning yawn time
11:34 Start typing junk at a very high key-in rate

to pretend
you are working hard as your advisor passes
by from outside.
11:35 Press the BackSpace key for one and a half
minute until all
the garbage you typed in is erased.
Realize that you can type more than 256
characters per half minute
11:41 Flirt with the new girl in the department
11:45 Print out some slides for afternoon's draft
+
presentation
11:47 Print them again, you forgot to change the
date from last
presentation
11:49 Print another copy in case this one gets
lost
11:51 Completely forget about sueing the
coffee-machine company
12:15 Hunger pangs:
12:20 BigMac/Fries time
Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola from

your desk.
Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying
bulk cola.
1:00 Group Meeting with advisor
1:14 sudden awareness of one's shallowness
resentment towards foriegn officemate for
sucking up to your advisor
Get reminded by your advisor that you need
to
do some more work
for your literature survey.
1:51 Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your
draft for corrections
1:51:02 The 49 second urge to murder advisor
begins!!
1:51:52 Realize that he controls your
assistantship/grade/
graduation possiblity/graduation date/all
job
opportunities/ and the rest of your life.
1:52:53 Thank him
1:52:54 Thank yourself for not saying something
stupid to your advisor.
1:53:00 splitting headache #1
1:59 Check electronic mail, don't reply though, you

are too busy to do that
2:06 More generic cola
2:17 Oh No, it is my turn to cook tonite :-(
2:30 Sit through the class you were told to sit
through
2:39 Look outside the window make unrealistic plans

to quit
this degree program and take up a job.
Wonder why blonde girls are so pretty.
2:48 More perverted day-dreams.
Close the office door and open a few .gif
files.
sharpen pencil
3:06 worry about never graduating
time to write a letter--NOT! no time for
that.
rearrange desk
call up bank; see if you have any money
fear of losing aid next Fall
Read latex manuals to figure out how to put
&$%&% in %$^% format
3:43 watch the clock
make plans to do a all-nighter tonite
Vow to watch only 2 TV programs
4:58 Notice Advisor leave
4:58:01 Sudden sense of freedom
Go home for quick, short dinner break.
9:00pm Come into the office
9:01pm The hard working grad student you are, you
have to come to the
office late at night to "get the work done"
9:03 Check electronic mail
Decide it would be a good time to attack those

ftp sites
since network wont be loaded
Run into "since network wont be loaded"
traffic
and get the
pictures into your machine.
Compress all unwanted research/class
directories to make space.
Back up all your pictures
10:11 Admire pictures
Begin work; Realize you need references
Realize its too late today to go to the
library
Sudden feeling of having wasted the day
10:49 Sudden feeling of possibly having to waste the

night
Decide to turn in early and come back very
early tommorrow morning
Decide to play a Tetris on the system to put
yourself in a good mood.
11:15 Play game after game after game to improve
your
score and get on the scoreboard.
Realize that your officemate is still at
number
6, two notches above you on the scoreboard.
12:20 Play until you beat your officemate into the
7th place.
A sense of achievment!! Yes, today was not
wasted!!
Return home to find your roommate watching
David Letterman reruns
on NBC. Tell him about the "hard working grad

student day you had"
Discuss philosophy with roommate
1:09 Think about becoming a philosopher and dining
with 4 others
(The Dining Philosophers problem, hee hee :-)

(Comp Sci joke)
Argue with him about politics, why people
prefer Japanese
cars and whether it is better to set the heat
to "hot" or "cold"
to defrost the windshields faster.
1:49 Realize neither of you have bought milk today

Get reminded of the "too much milk problem"
2:04 Forget about getting up early. Turn the phone
ringer off and go to sleep.

(Repeat)

IMPOSSIBLE: Can Ice-Cream be the reason????

2005-06-06T19:55:00.000+05:30

Thanks to sanket for sending this along.

This is a real story that happened between the customer of General
Motors and its Customer-Care Executive. A complaint was received by the
Pontiac

Division of General Motors:

"This is the second time I have written to you, and I don't blame you
for not answering me, because I sounded crazy, but it Is a fact that we
have a tradition in our family we have Ice-Cream for dessert after
dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night,
after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we
should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact
that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the
store have created a problem. You see,every time I buy a vanilla
ice-cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I
get
any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to
know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds"

"What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get
vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?"
The
Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but
sent an Engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be
greeted by a successful, obviously well educated man in a fine
neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinnertime, so
the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was
vanilla icecream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to
the car, it wouldn't start.

The Engineer returned for three more nights.

The first night, they got chocolate. The car started. The second night,
he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla.

The car failed to start. Now the Engineer, being a logical man, refused
to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He
arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to
solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he
jotted
down all sorts of data: time of day, type of gas uses, time to drive
back and forth etc.

In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla
than any other flavor.

Why? The answer was in the layout of the store. Vanilla, being the most
popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for
quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store
at a different counter where it took considerably longer to check out
the flavor.

Now, the question for the Engineer was why the car wouldn't start when
it took less time. Eureka - Time was now the problem - not the vanilla
icecream!

The engineer quickly came up with the answer: "vapour lock". It was
happening every night; but the extra time taken to get the other
flavors
allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got
vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapour lock to dissipate.

Remember:
Even crazy looking problems are sometimes real and all problems seem to
be simple only when we find the solution with cool thinking.

Don't just say its "IMPOSSIBLE" without putting a sincere effort...
Observe the word "IMPOSSIBLE" carefully... Looking closer you will see,
"I'M POSSIBLE"...

What really matters is your attitude and your perception.

Women explained by engineers

2005-06-03T23:59:00.000+05:30

[Click on the thumbnail to see the full image]

Complete Cowerage of Politics

2005-06-02T15:02:00.000+05:30

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisland sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your
neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his
cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with
milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

NAZISM
You have two cows.
The government takes both and shoots you.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you
to shoot one, milk the other, and then
pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an
IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four
cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you
have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots
of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows
you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any
creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government
to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting
to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best
accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you
which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Naming Conventions

2005-05-31T11:32:00.000+05:30

How I came to be who I am

I was not who I am. I was myself, my own self. That is,
until I came to the U.S. When I came here to join the
University, I went to the Registration office. There was
an elderly woman with big round eye-glasses, who looked
at me through the gap between the frame and her eyebrows.
I explained that I just came from India and I was going
to join the Chemistry Department. This is what happened next.

"Your name?"
"Dinesh."
"How do you spell it?"
"D-I-N...."
"Slow, slow. T?"
"No, D."
"Is that T as in Tom, or D as in Dennis?"
"No, not Dennis, my name is Dinesh."
"I know that. I am asking you, is that a T as in Tom,
or D as in ... as in Detroit?"
"I don't know who Tom is, and I haven't been to Detroit.
I just came from Madras."
"OK, OK, I know that. Is that T-I- or D-I- ?"
"D. D-I-. D-I-N-E-S-H."
"Is that your last name or first name?"
"Uh? Dinesh is my name."
"OK. What is your LAst name?"
"That is my first and last name. Dinesh."
"Then, is your name Dinesh Dinesh?"
"No. My name is Dinesh."
"But what is your LAST NAME? I am ASKING YOU ABOUT YOUR LAST NAME."
"I told you, Dinesh. I always had the same name, from birth
till now. DINESH. That's my name."
"OK, what is your family name?"
"Family? Family name? My family doesn't have a name."
"What do the neighbors call you?"
"Dinesh."
"Not you. Your whole family. What do they call your family?"
"Beedida bhat'rr."
"So, that is your family name. Do you understand?
How do you spell that?"
"Spell what?"
"B.D. whatever you said, what your neighbors call your family."
"Oh, that ... Beedida bhat'rr.
What do you need that for? It only means 'the brahmin who
makes beedis.'"
"What are B-Ds?"
"Not B-D. Beedi, is like a cigarette, you see, they roll the
tobacco in a leaf and tie a thread around it. 25 in a kattu."
"25 in a what?"
"Kattu, or katta, whatever. Like a bunch, you see. If there
is even one less or one more, my father could always tell without
counting. He then taught me how to do it."
"I am not worried about your 'cutter' or whatever.
What-is-your-last-name?"
"I told you, Dinesh."
"OK, OK, I don't want to go over this again. What is common
to the names of all the members of your family?"
"They are all in Sanskrit. My first sister is Suneetha, the second
sister is Sumathi ... "
"Not about the language. When you write your name, and your
sister writes her name, what do you two have in common?"
"We have the same handwriting. Even my father can't tell our
handwritings apart."
"Blast it! What is your father's name?"
"G.K.Nettar."
"What does G.K. stand for?"
"His name, Gopala Krishna."
"Then what is Nettar?"
"That is our house name."
"House name? Aha, does every one at your house have this name?"
"It is not our name. It is the name of our house. Strictly
speaking, it should be Honnadka. But my father was too lazy
to change it. My father was born in Honnadka, but, see, my
grandfather was born in Nettar."
"What was his name?"
"I told you, G.K.Nettar."
"Your grandfather was also called G.K. whatever?"
"No. That is my father."
"Then what is your grandfather's name?"
"Govinda Bhat. See, my relatives still call me Mangalore
Govinda. Because it is a tradition to name the first son
after his grandfather. All the brothers of my father
have done this. So, we have Honnadka Govinda, Jogibettu
Govinda, Kanchodu Govinda, and I am Mangalore Govinda."
"So, then, your name is Mangalore Govinda, not Dinesh."
"No. My name is Dinesh. Mangalore Govinda is how my
relatives call me. That is not my NAme."
"What do they call your sister?"
"Ammanni."
"What? You said her name is Sooneetha."
"Yes, that is her name, Suneetha, but we call her Ammanni."
"Is that her nick-name?"
"No. she doesn't have a nick name. Only our neighbor's
daughter has a nick name. She is called 'soote'. She is
very active. That's why."
"What about your brother?"
"I have no brothers. But then, you can count all those
Govindas as my brothers too. See, they are really kind of
my brothers."
"OK, what are their names?"
"The oldest one, he is my big brother. He is called GovindaNNa."
"Govind Anna? Then Anna is his last name."
"No, ANNA, not anna. ANNA means big brother."
"What is his NAME?"
"His name is Govinda Bhat."
"Then your last name is But."
"Not but, Bhat, B-H-A-T. But that's not his name, you see."
"If that's not his name, what is it? Why does he have it
in his name?"
"Bhat simply means he is a brahmin. He might as well write
Rao, like his father does, or Sharma, like my father's
second brother does."
"How does he write his name in official papers?"
"Nettar Govinda Bhat. That's how he writes it."
"How does his father write it?"
"Nettar Venkata Subba Rao."
"Aha, I can see now. Your father is G.K.Nettar, his
brother is Nettar something Rao... your last name is then
Nettar. Aha, I got it."
"But Nettar is not the last name. It is the house name."
"I don't care. Tell me one last time, what is YOUR last name?"
"But I told you, my last name is the same as my first name,
my only name, Dinesh."
"Then, I am going to write Nettar here. I don't care if it
is your house name, your grandfather's name, your dog's name,
whatever. It is your last name. How do you spell it? N-E-..."
"N-E-T-T-A-R."
"N-E-T-T-? Is that T as in Tom or D as in Dennis?"
"My name is Dinesh, not Dennis."
"AARRGGHHHHH. Do we have to go through this again?
Here, write it down."

"That's it. From now on, you are Dinesh Nettar, Dinesh is your
first name, and Nettar is your last name. OK?"
"..."

- ------------------------------------------------------------
Even though the incident is imaginary, the rest of the story
and all the people in it are real.
- ------------------------------------------------------------

Steven Wright

2005-05-30T19:19:00.000+05:30

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright,
he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I
woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been
stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates!"

His mind tends to see things a bit differently than
the rest of us mortals.

Here are some of his gems:
1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect
it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other
parts feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with
the rain.

9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my
hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left
me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible
ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something.

15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, y ou're in
the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough
sense to be lazy.

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays
off now.

19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy
her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked
into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death
twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your
brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired
of thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until
just after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to
the softness of the bread.

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;
to steal from many is research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is
no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time
you'll have to catch up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your
body is required to be on it.

33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just
don't have film.
...and the all time favorite-

34- If your car could travel at the speed of light,
would your headlights work?

de ultimate story

2005-05-29T17:09:00.000+05:30

I had this story posted here. But then Ambar pointed out that the story is present online at

http://www.sulekha.com/expressions/articledesc.asp?cid=307066

So, just to be sure that we don't infringe on any copyrights, I'm just adding a link to it.

How to Choose A Girl in Arranged Marriage !

2005-05-28T00:19:00.000+05:30

Some tips for Arranged marriage

Arranged marriage

There are times in a person's life when he needs to take crucial
decisions on his own. Marriage is one of them. Believe me, the decision
on whom to marry is the most important decision a person will make in
his life. After marriage, your wife is the most important person in your
life. She can make or break your life. The mere thought of this is very
frightening.

Some of the questions that crop up are -

a.. What sort of a girl do I marry?
b.. Will she adjust in my family?
c.. How can I decide on a girl by just meeting her for a few times? d..
When should I get married? e.. This is my life. So, I should choose the
girl I marry, but then what if I make a mistake? .. so on and so forth.

I will try to address these & many more questions in the following
sections.

The Ten Rules of Arranged marriage

Rule 1 - Magic no. 28

In an ideal scenario, a girl goes to college at the age of 18. By the
time she graduates, goes for her post graduation and/ or works for 1-2
years, she will be about 23- 24. This means that she has spent about 5
years away from her home. In the 5 years period, she would meet many
smart guys at college or during her first few years on job. So, in all
probability it would be difficult to find a good girl older than 24 yrs.
Secondly, in Indian families there is lot of pressure on the girl's to
get married by the time they become 24-25.

Statistics says that there is a generation gap after every 5 years. So,
in such scenario, one would prefer to marry a girl who is about 3-4
years younger to you. Thus, working backwards, an ideal age for a guy to
get married is by 28. Earlier the marriage, the better it is.

Well, as we all know, in the current market scenario, there will never
be stability in our career. So, I believe there is no such thing as, "I
will marry when I settle down".

Rule 2 -- Subset of marriage-able girls

At times you hear statements like, "I am not getting the right match, I
will look after 3 months, I will find a better match then". Well the
truth is otherwise. The subset of unmarried girl looking for a match is
fixed. From this subset, there would be girls who would get married &
there would be new girls added who would be looking for a match. The net
result is that at any given time, the variety & number of marriage-able
girls are fixed.

Rule 3 - Competition for girls

Like all other facets of life, there is lot of competition for good
girls. In my own case, I was rejected by girls. So, if you are looking
for a girl who is post graduate, done her Engg, is working, very
beautiful, smart, from a good family etc. etc, just think again. There
are other guys who are also looking for similar girls & probably they
are better off than you in terms of career, looks personality etc. Given
a choice every guy would like to marry Aishwarya Rai.So, set your
expectations accordingly.

Rule 4 -- Understanding girls

You would have met a lot of people during your life. As we all know, its
difficult to judge a person based on a few meetings. I am sure you would
agree with me that in case of girls it is even more difficult to
understand them in a few meetings. I know people who are still trying to
understand their wife. ;-).. Understanding your spouse is a life long
assignment. So, then how do you select a girl based on a few meeting?
This is where you need to take the help of your parents/ friends &
latest technologies like email/chat to choose your girl.

Rule 5 - Society expectation

The selection process is tough on every one who is involved in the
process. In arranged marriage, involvement of family & society is pretty
high. You can't meet a girl 3-4 times & then say no to her. It is bad
for her future. So, you should have a good short-listing criterion. Meet
only a few girls & be sure what you are looking for. It is for the
benefit of everyone involved.

Rule 6 -- Marriage between equals

Unlike love marriage, in arranged marriage you also marry into the
girl's family. In arranged marriages, family support plays a major role
in ensuring a successful marriage. This is where the compatibility of
social status, family values & caste/religion plays

a major role. Its important to note that in case there is a perfect
match between the two families, the marriage is destined to succeed.

Rule 7 - Know yourself

Unlike love marriage, in arranged marriage you first marry a person &
then fall in love. So, it's very important that you do a self-assessment
on the kind of person you would love. They say, "Opposite attract",
while they also say, "Bird of same feather flock together". So, you take
a call on what sort of person you like. Take a pen & paper; write down
the kind of attributes you are looking for in a girl. Say, she should
ideally have the looks of Sonia, the style of Monica, the voice of
Sheena, the patience of Rashmi. You will certainly not find the perfect
girl, but then you would have a good idea of what you are looking for.
The secret here is to set some minimum criteria for selection. Don't
forget rule no.3 here.

Rule 8 -- Girl's Beauty

A girl's looks attract, but then no one wants to end up marrying a dumb
blonde. It is like buying your bike. When you initially buy it, you are
crazy about the looks, but later on you love it for its reliability,
fuel economy & comfort level. Similarly, a girl's looks are important,
but then it should not be the most important criteria. Later on it life,
you will get bored of her looks. It is then that her personality &
behavior will make all the difference to your marriage. I am sure your
parents will be able to advice you a lot better on this topic.

Rule 9 -- Taking advice

As I have mentioned in the next rule, it's very important that the final
decision on whom to marry must necessarily be yours. However, don't do
the mistake of isolating yourself from the world while planning your
marriage. Discuss with your parents & very close friends on this issue.
They are your well wishers. Secondly, in such important matters its
necessary that you analyze all possibilities. Remember, I am not
suggesting that you follow others' advice, but don't forget to take
their advice.

Rule 10 -- Own decision

All said & done, it's your marriage & your life that is at stake. Once
you are married, you & your wife are the only persons who will be facing
the music. Don't marry a girl just because your parents or

friends asked you to do so. After marriage, if things don't work out &
you end up saying, "It's because of my friends or my parents that I
married you", then your marriage is destined for disaster. If the girl
is of your choice, it is you who will be responsible for whatever
happens. That's when the marriage works out perfectly. So, ensure that
you marriage the girl of your choice.

How to approach the selection process?

From the day, a person decides to get married; the selection process
takes a minimum of 3 months. The whole process needs a lot of patience &
commitment. The ideal steps to be followed are:

a.. Definition phase --

Define the minimum criteria for the kind of life partner you are looking
for in terms of education, physical appearance, social status, family
values, future career plans. Remember the Rule 3 here.

b.. Lead Generation phase --

Place ads in various newspapers, magazines, websites, through friends,
family friends, family societies & association etc. You need to exhaust
all possible means of getting biodatas at one go. Remember the Rule 2
here.

c.. Short listing phase -

Based on your selection criteria, short-list the interesting biodatas.
The general process followed for

correspondence is as follows:

1.. The initiator sends a one page profile of himself/ herself.

2.. Based on the profile, the receiver sends his/her one page profile
along with request for detailed profile, photo, horoscope.

3.. The initiator then sends the requested information along with a
request for similar information.

4.. The receiver send similar information.

5.. If the biodata is selected, it is passed over to the next phase.

A.. Casual interaction phase -

Based on shortlisting, about 7 to 10 biodatas are taken forwarded to
this phase. The next step to follow

here is to exchange email/ chat ids. The guy & the girl then interact
for 10 - 15 days to try & judge mutual compatibility through email/chat.

B.. Family interaction phase -

Based on the earlier phase, about 5 leads are taken for consideration in
this phase. During this phase, the parents get involved & check the
background information about the families to find mutual compatibility.

C.. The dating phase -

Based on the earlier phase about 3 leads are taken forward to this
phase. During this phase, the guy & the girl interact by going out alone
for 2-3 times. The guy needs to prepare a set of simple questions like
who is your favorite star, what are your hobbies? He needs to use his
judgment to analyze the girl based on her responses.

D.. The D-day phase -

Finally, the D-day comes when the guy has to select the girl he wants to
spend his life with. If the process if followed systematically, there
will be no ambiguity in deciding who should be your life partner.

Finally, my dear friends, marriage is all about compromises. In spite of
all the planning that you do, there are a lot of uncertainties in a
marriage. In fact this is the best part about marriage. Just remember
that the person you marry must be of your choice. In such case, there
would be no going back for both of you.

A few words of advice: To make your marriage a success; just believe in
the age-old virtue, "Never do anything to others that you don't like for
yourself".

Enjoy the selection process, it is fun.. :-) !!!
--
http://sidscool.blogspot.com

"If you are not having fun, you are not doing it right."

Using Opera's revolutionary e-mail client: http://www.opera.com/mail/

S H I T

2005-05-26T14:23:00.000+05:30

This is my first forward at forwarders. Thanx to reddy. Here's an unbelievable one -

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported byship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that anywater that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

Caustic reality or bland illusions.....

2005-05-26T02:39:00.000+05:30

Here's a funny letter from one of TIFR's professor (Disclaimer: authenticity not verified) to Times-of-India.
My friend describes it as "Biting sarcasm at its overbearing best!"

--
Dear Times of India

Sunil Mukhi
Mumbai, March 22 2004

An open letter to the Times of India, everyone's favourite newspaper, at least in this great land, and among us English-speaking folk. If you are unfamiliar with this newspaper for any reason, such as that you hail from Sweden or Equatorial Guinea, this article will not make much sense to you. Sorry, unfortunate person, you just don't know what you've missed. [The author].

Dear Times of India,

I'm talking to you - yes, all of you. The owner, the editor-in-chief, the subeditors, journalists, formatters, layouters, fast bowlers, off-spinners - sorry, what am I saying? It's all a bit confusing nowadays. So let me start again.

To get to my point right away, I think your newspaper is just brilliant. A daily masterpiece, in fact! I've been reading it, on and off for a few decades now. It's had its phases - now communal, now secular, now pro-Indira, now pro-fundamentalist. But it always was, and is - and ever will be - the one and only, the greatest. The Times, ladies and gentlemen, of India! Bharat ka shaandaar Samay! And now in 2004, it's finally become even better than that. The Times of India is now about being Clever, and it's about Cricket. My two favourite subjects, as it turns out. The result is a high-water mark in journalism that must surely be the envy of Le Monde, The Hindu, The New York Times and all those other silly little newspapers.

Let me illustrate what I mean. This morning as I picked the Times of India off my doorstep, I saw in inch-high letters the headline: ``RAHUL IN LAHORE, RAHUL IN AMETHI". And my dear Times-persons, I silently marvelled at your cleverness. This was my thought process (I'm a slow thinker, but eventually I do get there): ``Rahul in Lahore", I thought, ``that has to be Rahul Dravid. While the one in Amethi, that one must be, what's his name, Rahul Gandhi." As I reached this point, the incredible truth began to dawn on me. Though I had always thought of them as two totally different people, there is a profound similarity between them: THEY HAVE THE SAME FIRST NAME! And, moving swiftly from this deep and original observation, as only your newspaper can do, you PUT THEM IN THE SAME HEADLINE! What an exquisite twist on an apparently mundane reality. Like so many readers, I myself would have missed the point of the two Rahuls - the bi-Rahulity, as it were, of our nation. But your newspaper cleverly unmasked this hidden truth, and I can't thank you enough for it.

There was more good stuff to follow. ``Team theme saves India's pride" contained a great pun - "team" and "theme". I have some friends who pronounce these two words in exactly the same way! So the phrase would sound like "Team team" - or perhaps "Theme theme", depending on the specific friend. Your puns are really a treat. In fact, one might say that your puns are fun! Get that? Pun, fun! See, I can do it too.

But I'll never be as good at this as you guys. At the bottom of today's front page you wrote: "At 94 for 4, only the wall stood tall". That must be about Dravid (one of the Rahuls, the one who's different from the other one). He's tall, and I've heard that he's known as "the wall". But how cleverly you exploited the fact that "wall" and "tall" rhyme with each other! What a turn of phrase - ``The wall stood tall" - fantastic! Perhaps we could make a song out of it. ``Tall, tall, the wall stood tall. Tall stood the wall, the tall tall wall". Don't laugh TOI, one day my song will be playing on Radio Mirchi! But more about that later. It took me a while to realise that the first half of this headline also had a pun, and A VERY SUBTLE ONE. Because, when you think about it, "94 for 4" sounds like "ninety four four four" and so you have the SAME sound repeated THREE TIMES! Get it? Four four four! Now this is far out! Or four out! Or not out! It's all the same thing, since I don't follow cricket too well.

In any case, I fully agree with your basic principle. Cricket is THE THING. Everyone likes it: Atalji, Colin Powell, Mush, Sush, Ash, the chanawala, you, me (yes I do LIKE it, though as I said, I don't follow it so well because... well, because it's complicated, and my mind is like, you know? A little... limited? But please don't mind. That was a pun, you know: mind, mind. Get it? MY MIND, and DON'T MIND. Well I've become a lot better at this stuff by reading the Times of India. And don't go away, I have so much more to tell you).

Where was I? Ah yes. With all that's been going on these days, we needed an entire newspaper devoted to cricket. And NOW WE HAVE ONE! I can't thank you enough, guys. I love the clever title for your reportage on this series: "Pakraman". That's classy. "Pakistan" and "Aakraman" - who would have imagined they'd fit together like that? I bet your team did a little victory dance when they thought that one up. Were there any other contenders? You must have immediately rejected the reverse pairing,
"Aakistan", which frankly sounds like nothing much. Actually, had the match been in Kazakhstan (do they play cricket there?) you could have tried "Kazakhraman", which is fairly good too. Maybe all those "istan" countries were just designed for your clever little pun. Then again Turkmenistan doesn't fit the pattern, does it. So we won't play cricket there, even if they beg us. But on the subject of ``Pakraman" there is no dispute. You thought of it first, and you deserve full credit, oh profoundly intellectual newspaper of my life!

Now I'm the kind of person that, after reading your front page, is pretty much done with the newspaper. I mean, how much can one read about elections, train derailments, politicisation of history (I didn't even understand what that means). Just about the only thing I could follow today was the Page 2 article about Radio Mirchi. You rightly observe that this radio station has positioned itself as ``Aapka Apna Bollywood station". What frank and forthright admiration, and how beautifully put! I feel it's most decent of you to heap such praise on a different media company altogether. To tell the truth, I sometimes wonder whether the Mirchi people are totally above board. Occasionally they refer to themselves as "Times Radio Mirchi". Are they trying to suggest that they are somehow connected to your newspaper? They can't fool us, no sir. If they were connected to you then surely you wouldn't be praising them so much, for it would be tantamount to blowing one's own trumpet, wouldn't it.

I like money, so I'm not averse to reading about Business. Now your rival newspaper, The Hindu, has a whole section today called "Business Review" but it's boring as hell: stuff about "Business Process Management", and "Relentless bear pressure on bourses" - well, really! This kind of stuff just doesn't do it for me. I don't think I own too many bourses, so why would I care. Anyhow I skipped through most of your paper (stopping on pages 4,6,7,9,14 and 15 which are full-page ads that I always enjoy browsing) and finally reached the Business page, familiar territory. Instantly my eye fell on "Private train of thought", an article about people who think the railways should be privatised. Neat! At least I think so! Here is my take on it: these peoples' train (of thought) is their own train, and therefore private, but at one and the same moment, their (private train of) thought is about trains (on tracks) being private. Hats off to whoever thought this one up! How can you possibly get through these complicated thoughts yourselves - my own trains (of thought) get derailed so easily! In fact the next headline I saw was "BRICs have to be laid" and, to be very honest, this caused my "private" thoughts to leap the tracks then and there. No, I won't go into any more detail.

At that point I switched to your supplement, Bombay Times. I want to write them a letter too, just like this one. Maybe another day. But let me tell you, they're as brilliant as the main newspaper. And I fully agree with them when they say "Pamela Anderson is NO BIMBO!". Why would anyone think she was? I just don't get it.

--

Fwd: I never take risk while drinking

2004-10-31T22:20:00.000+05:30

READ THIS IT IS IMPORTANT

I never take risk while drinking

When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking

I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen

I stealthily enter the house

Take out the bottle from my black cupboard

Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame

But still no one is aware of it

Becoz I never take a risk

I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink

Qucikly enjoy one peg

Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack

Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard

Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile

I peep into the kitchen

Wife is cutting potatoes

No one is aware of what I did

Becoz i never take a risk

I: Any news on Iyer's daughter's marriage

She: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are

looking out for her

I again come out; there is a small noise of the black

cupboard

But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle

I take out the glass from the old rack above sink

Quickly enjoy one peg

Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink

Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard

But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk

I: But still I think Iyer's daughter's age is not that much

She: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... like an aged

horse

I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh...

I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard

But the cupboard's place has automatically changed

I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one

peg

in the sink

Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly

I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's

photo

& keep it in the black cupboard

Wife is keeping the sink on the stove

But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk

I: (getting angry) you call Mr. Iyer a horse? If you say

that

again, I will cut your tongue...!

She: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly...

I take out the bottle from the potatoes

Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg

Wash the sink and keep it over the rack

Wife is giving a smile

Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking

But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk

I: (laughing) So Iyer is marrying a horse!!

She: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...

I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack

Stove is also on the rack

There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside

I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink

But none of the horses are aware of what i did

Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk

Iyer is still cooking

And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing

Becoz i never take a risk

Cricket moments!!

2004-10-29T21:46:00.000+05:30

"Man, it don't matter where you come in to bat, the score is still
zero."
-Viv Richards to Sunil Gavaskar at Madras 1983.

Gavaskar had decided to relinquish his opening position and come in at
no 4 for that test. But, Malcolm Marshall fired out Anshuman Gaekwad and

Dilip Vengsarkar for ducks, setting the stage for Gavaskar to walk in at

0/2. And he thought there would be less pressure!

***********************************************************

Greg Thomas was bowling to Viv Richards in a county game. Viv missed a
superb outswinger, and Thomas said "It's red, round and weighs about 5
1/2 ounces."
Next ball Viv hits Greg Thomas out of the ground for 6 and replies,
"Greg, you know
what it looks like. Go ahead and find it!"

***********************************************************

Then there's this wicketkeeper who quietly asked the new batsman: "So
how's your
wife, and my kids?"
Guess who.........Rod Marsh....to Ian Botham!!

*********************************************************

New Zealand vs South Africa:
Daryll Cullinan was batting, attempting a comeback from a complete
bamboozling from
Warne in earlier games. Cullinan played the first ball from Chris Harris
very carefully
Back down the pitch, and keeper Parore yelled out "Well bowled Warnie!"

***********************************************************

Australia fighting for a win nearing the end of a Test Match, Fred
Trueman at the crease.
The Aus captain has plenty of close in fielders, whose shadows fall on
the wicket.
Fredie finds this objectionable. 'Ere, if you lads don't back off, I'll
appeal for bad light!"

***********************************************************

The best of the best
(Incident described in "From the Pavilion End" by Harold "Dickie" Bird)

"Bomber" Wells, a spin bowler and great character, played for
Glocuestershire and
Nottinghamshire. He used to bat at No.11 since one couldn't bat any
lower. Of him,
They used to paraphrase Compton's famous words describing and equally
inept runner;
"When he shouts 'YES' for a run, it is merely the basis for further
negotiations!"
Incidentally, Compton was no better. John Warr said, of Compton "He was
the only person
who would call you for a run and wish you luck at the same time."
Anyway, when Wells
played for Gloucs, he had an equally horrendous runner as the No.10.
During a county
match, horror of horrors.......both got injured. *Both* opted for
runners when it was
their turn to bat. Bomber played a ball on the off, called for a run,
forgot he had a
runner and ran himself. Ditto at the other end. In the melee, someone
decided that a
second run was on. Now we had *all four* running. Due to the confusion
and constant
shouts of "YES" "NO", eventually, *all* of them ran to the same end.
Note - at this point
in time, the entire ground is rolling on the floor laughing their
behinds out. One of the
fielders - brave lad - stops laughing for a minute, picks the ball and
throws down the
wicket at the other end. Umpire Alec Skelding looks very seriously at
the four and
calmly informs them "One of you buggers is out. I don't know which.
*You* decide and
inform the bloody scorers!".

"It was worth it"

2004-10-24T00:11:00.000+05:30

Horror gripped the heart of a World War-I soldier, as he saw his
lifelong friend fall in battle. The soldier asked his Lieutenant if he
could
go out to bring his fallen comrade back. "You can go," said the
Lieutenant, "but don't think it will be worth it.Your friend is probably
dead
and you may throw your life away." The Lieutenant's words didn't
matter, and the soldier went anyway. Miraculously,he managed to reach
his
friend, hoisted him onto his shoulder and brought him back to their
company's trench. The officer checked the wounded soldier , then looked
kindly at his friend. " I told you it wouldn't be worth it,"
he said. "Your friend is dead and you are mortally wounded." "It was
worth it, Sir," said the soldier. "What do you mean by worth it?"
responded the Lieutenant. " Your friend is dead."
"Yes Sir," the soldier answered, " but it was worth it because when I
got to him, he was still alive and I had the satisfaction of hearing him
say...."Jim...I knew you'd come."

Many times in life, whether a thing is worth doing or not, really
depends on how u look at it.

Confucius' musings...

2004-10-24T00:09:00.001+05:30

A person asked Confucius, "What surprises you most about mankind?"

Confucius answered,

"They lose their health to make money and

then lose their money to restore their health.

By thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present,

such that they live neither for the present nor the future and

they live as if they will never die,

and they die as if they had never lived....."

God does exist

2004-10-24T00:09:00.000+05:30

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut. As the barber began to
work, they began to have conversation. They talked about so many things
and various subjects.

When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said:

"I don't believe that God exists."

"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.

"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't
exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people?

Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there

would

be

neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving a God who would
allow all of these things."

The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't
want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer
left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the
street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He

looked dirty and unkempt.

The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said

to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."

"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am
a barber. And I just worked on you!"

"No" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did,
there would be nobody with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like
that man outside."

"Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens, is, people do not come to me. "

"Exactly" - affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God too DOES
exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him.
That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

globalization.... extended definition ;-)

2004-10-20T02:56:00.000+05:30

Question:

What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer:Princess Diana's death.

Question:How?

Answer:

An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you..
change the spelling)

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles,

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines!

And this is sent to you by an Indian ,

using Bill Gates' technology,

and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones,

that use Taiwanese-made chips,

programmed by low cost Indian programmers,

and a Korean-made monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by lorries driven by Srilankans ,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked by Mexican illegals.....

That,my friend, is Globalization!

"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality."
-- Albert Einstein

---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
Version: 6.0.778 / Virus Database: 525 - Release Date: 10/15/2004

--
Using Opera's revolutionary e-mail client: http://www.opera.com/m2/

Clever Mathematician

2004-10-20T02:49:00.000+05:30

Long ago, a clever mathematician used to cheat people. Once he borrowed
Rs.4000/- from a rich man. After a few days, he borrowed Rs.2000/- from
the same man. Many days passed, the mathematician did not return the money
to the rich man. The rich man went to the mathematician and asked to
return the money. But to his great surprise, the mathematician replied
that there is no need to pay the debt.

"See here, friend" said the mathematician " the sum of 4000 and 2000 is
equal to zero, so I do not have any balance to pay".

The rich man took the matter to the court. When the judge came to know
this, he was astonished. He asked the mathematician to prove that sum of
4000 and 2000 is zero, and not 6000.

The Clever mathematician agreed. He said:

let a = 4000, b = 2000 and c = 6000

a + b = c

Multiply both sides by a + b

(a + b) (a + b) = c (a + b)

a*a + ab + ba + b*b = ca + cb

a*a + ab - ca = cb - b*b - ba

a( a + b -c) = -b(b + a - c)

so a = - b

a + b = 0

Hence by putting the values of "a" and "b" as 4000 and 2000 respectively,
their sum is zero, so the mathematician saw no need to pay any money to
the rich man.

The above calculation has no doubt surprised you as it did the judge.

So, what do u say?

do u have an answer???????think again!!!!!!!!!!

2004-10-20T02:46:00.000+05:30

Read this question, come up with an answer and then
scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not
a trick question. All the information you need is
provided in the four sentences below. No one I know
has
gotten it right, including me.

A woman, while at the funeral of her mother, met this
guy whom she did not know. She thought the guy was
amazing, her dream man! She fell in love with him
instantly, but never asked for his phone number and
could not find him after the funeral. A few days later
she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?
(Give this some thought before you answer) then
scroll down for the answer

Answer below......

Answer:
She was hoping that the guy would appear at the
funeral again. If you
answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.
This was a test
by a
famous American psychologist used to test if someone
has the same
mentality
as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in
the test
answered
the question correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for
you - you're
normal.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know
so I can take you off of my email list unless that
will tick you off,
then
I'll just be extra nice to you from now on.

Actual Analogies found in High School Essays

2004-10-01T17:29:00.000+05:30

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature
Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who
went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes
with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of
those
boxes with a pinhole in it.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because Of
his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a Bowling
ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with
vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal
quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on
at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also
never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East
River.

Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan
just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a
while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real
duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.)
in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry
Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the Impeachment
of President William Jefferson Clinton.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind
her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power
tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she
were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any PH
cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

[In my bedroom] the chest stood in the corner like a little, old lady with
her knobs hanging out.

As to my taste in music, my boyfriend has influenced me greatly with his
twelve-inch woofer and two tweeters

September, 1752

2004-10-01T17:22:00.000+05:30

Try this out:

At the command prompt of a Unix system ($), type : cal 9 1752

Surprised????

See the explanation for what you see. If you are not in Unix don't
worry:

see below:

September 1752

S M Tu W Th F S
1 2 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30

Isn't the output queer? A month with whole eleven days less?
This was the time England shifted from Roman Julian Calendar to the
Gregorian Calendar, and the king of England ordered those 11 days
to be wiped off the face of the month of September of 1752.
(What couldn't a King do in those days?!)

And yes, the workers worked for 11 days less, but got paid for the
entire
30 days. And that's how "Paid Leave" was born. (Bless those
people).

Let's c if u send it back

2004-09-26T17:38:00.000+05:30

One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw
a kid from my class was walking home from school. His
name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his
books. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring
home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a
nerd."

I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football
game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I
shrugged my shoulders and went on.

As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward
him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his
arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses
went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten
feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible
sadness in his eyes.

My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and
as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw
a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said,
"Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives." He looked
at me and said, "Hey thanks!" There was a big smile on his face.

It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.

I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where
he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him
why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private
school before now.

I would have never hung out with a private school kid
before. We talked all the way home, and I carried some
of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I
asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my
friends. He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the
more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my
friends thought the same of him.

Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the
huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said,
"Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles
with this pile of books everyday!" He just laughed and
handed me half the books.

Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best
friends. When we were seniors, we began to think
about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I
was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be
friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He
was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business
on a football scholarship.

Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the
time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for
graduation.

I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and
speak. Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He
was one of those guys that really found himself during high
school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses.
He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him.
Boy, sometimes I was jealous.

Today was one of those days. I could see that he was
nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back
and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!" He looked at me
with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled.
"Thanks," he said.

As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and
began. "Graduation is a time to thank those who helped
you make it through those tough years. Your parents,
your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly
your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a
friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I
am going to tell you a story."

I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the
story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill
himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had
cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do
it later and was carrying his stuff home.

He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.

"Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from
doing the unspeakable."

I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular
boy told us all about his weakest moment.

I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same
grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.

Never underestimate the power of your actions. With
one small gesture you can change a person's life. For
better or for worse.

God puts us all in each other's lives to impact one another
in some way. Look for God in others.

Love test...

2004-09-24T10:48:00.000+05:30

Soniya,

Please answer the following questionnaire.
For Options (a)10 marks,(b) 5 marks and (c) 3 marks.

If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving
me. Don't delay in
expressing it. If you have scored between 30 and 40,
love is budding in
your heart and it's getting ready to bloom. If you
have scored less
than 30, you are in confusion whether to love me or
not.

1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight
always falls on me
because

(a) of love
(b) you couldn't control seeing me
(c) really .... am I doing it

2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn
and look at me
because
(a) you always like to see me smiling
(b) you are testing whether I like jokes
(c) you are attracted by my smile

3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and
immediately you
stopped singing because
(a) you are so coy to sing before me
(b) my presence influenced you
(c) you feared that whether I'll like your song

4) When you were showing your child photo, when I
asked for it, you hid
it because
(a) you felt ashamed
(b) you felt uneasy
(c) you don't know

5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand
for lifting you
and you took only my friend's because
(a) you enjoyed my disappointment
(b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing
(c) you don't know

6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get
into your bus.
(a) you were waiting for me
(b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the
bus
(c) that bus was crowded

7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to
college because
(a) I am going to be your groom
(b) you just want to know what your parents think
about me
(c) just you felt like introducing me to them

8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day,
you came with a
rose on your head because
(a) to fulfill my wish
(b) you like roses
(c) by chance you got a rose

9) On that day, it was my birthday. you too came to
temple early at
6:00 AM because
(a) you want to pray along with me
(b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on
my birthday
(c) you want to wish me at temple because you are
spiritual

Eagerly awaiting the result of Love Exam
- Ani

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Soniya's reply letter was also in Q/A format.

Ani,
Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire.

1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people
entering the
class, sees them
(a) Yes
(b) No

2) If a girls laughs and sees anyone, is it love ?
(a) Yes
(b) No

3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the
songs, will
he/she stop singing or not ?
(a) Yes
(b) No

4) I was showing to my friends who are girls my child
photo. You poked
you nose inside..... right ?
(a) Yes
(b) No

5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking.
Couldn't you
understand yet?
(a) Yes
(b) No

6) Should I not wait for my friend (girl) ?
(a) Yes
(b) No

7) Shouldn't I introduce you to my parents as a friend
?
(a) Yes
(b) No

8) You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower,
banana's flower. Is
it true ?
(a) Yes
(b) No

9) Oh was that your birthday. That's why I could see
you in temple. I
come daily to Temple. Do you know ?
(a) Yes
(b) No

If you have answered 'Yes' to any of the question,
then I am not
loving you.
If you have answered 'No', then you don't know the
meaning of Love.

- Soniya

Girlsssssssssssss

2004-09-20T11:52:00.000+05:30

The problems with GIRLS

If u TREAT her nicely, she says u are IN LOVE with her;
If u Don't, she says u are PROUD.
If u DRESS Nicely, she says u are trying to LURE her;
If u Don't, she says u are from MADURAI.
If u ARGUE with her, she says u are STUBBORN;
If u keep QUIET,! she says u have no BRAINS.
If u are SMARTER than her, she'll lose FACE;
If she's Smarter than u, she is GREAT.
If u don't Love her, she tries to POSSESS u;
If u Love her, she will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
If u tell her your PROBLEM, she says u are TROUBLESOME;
If u don't, she says that u don't TRUST her.
If u SCOLD her, u are like a CHACHA to her;
If she SCOLDS u,! it is because she CARES for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
If she BREAKS hers, she is FORCED to do so.
If u do WELL in your exams, she says it's LUCK;
If she does WELL, it's BRAINS.
If u HURT her, u are CRUEL;
If she HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!! & sooo hard to please!!!!!
If u send this to girls, they will swear that this is absurd.......
But if u don't, they say u are afraid to send it to them....
The moral of the story is......

SEND THIS TO GIRLS OUT THERE ANYWAY...
Send it to boys also, aware them of the truth!!!!!!

The basic diffrence b/w a man & a woman

How a BOY withdraws cash from ATM
1. Park the car
2. Go to ATM Machine
3. Insert card
4. Enter PIN
5. Take money out
6. Take ATM Card out
7. Drive away...

How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM
1. Park the car
2. Check makeup
3. Turn off engine
4. Check makeup
5. Go to ATM
6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse
7. Insert card
8. Hit Cancel
9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it
10. Insert card
11. Enter PIN
12. Take cash
13. Go to car
14. Check makeup
15. Start car
16. Stop car
17. Run back to ATM
18. Take ATM card
19. Back to car
20. Check makeup
21. Start car
22. Check makeup
23. Drive for 1/2 mile
24. Release handbrake
25. Drive on...

Problem with Girls..girls* and guys please give ur comment

2004-09-20T11:12:00.000+05:30

The problems with GIRLS:

;
If u TREAT her nicely, she says u are IN LOVE with
her;

If u Don't, she says u are PROUD.

If u DRESS Nicely, she says u are trying to LURE her;

If u Don't, she says u are from CHENNAI.

If u ARGUE with her, she says u are STUBBORN;

If u keep QUIET,! she says u have no BRAINS.

If u are SMARTER than her, she'll lose FACE;

If she's Smarter than u, she is GREAT.

If u don't Love her, she tries to POSSESS u;

If u Love her, she will try to LEAVE u.(very true
huh?)

If u tell her your PROBLEM, she says u are
TROUBLESOME;

If u don't, she says that u don't TRUST her.

If u SCOLD her, u are like a CHACHA to her;

If she SCOLDS u, it is because she CARES for u.

If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;

If she BREAKS hers, she is FORCED to do so.

If u SMOKE, u are BAD BOY;

If she SMOKES, she is a GENTLELADY.

If u do WELL in your exams, she says it's LUCK;

If she does WELL, it's BRAINS.

If u HURT her, u are CRUEL;

If she HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!!

& sooo hard to please!!!!!

If u send this to girls, they will swear that it's not
true.......

but if u don't, they say u are selfish.....

The moral of the story is.......SEND THIS TO GIRLS OUT
THERE ANYWAY...
Send
it to boys also, gives them some laughter ...

--------

Words to remember for a while

Boys are like apples on trees. The best ones are at
the top of the
tree.

The girls don't want to reach for the good ones
because they're afraid
of
falling and getting hurt. Instead they just get the
rotten apples that
are
on the ground, that aren't as good, but easy.

So the apples at the top think that there is something
wrong with them,
when
in reality, they are amazing.

That is why we just have to be a little patient and
the right girl, the
one
who takes a chance to find the good, right apple, will
come someday...

Send this to all the boys who you know are at the top
of the tree.

So Guys if u are alone...this means that u r on
top....so be confident
and
wait for ur time....

AUTHOR: UNKNOWN

Especially for Hyderabadies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-09-20T11:08:00.000+05:30

You are a true Hyderabadi if:
1. Your address reads as 23-404-32/67A-43 (New MCH
number 56-678/4A/B-22),while you actually live in
the
second house beside Zamzam cafe in lane behind
Anand
Theatre on SP Road.

2. You end up buying only a salwar kameez, whether
it
is a theatre workshop, food mela, consumer expo,
designer jewellery show, science show or an
automobile
convention.

3. Your street has at least one roadside mobile
hotel
that serves Chinese delicacies such as "Vegetable
soft
needles", "Navrotten Kurma", "Chicken Manchewurea"
or
"American Chompsee".

4. Your answer is 'seedha chale jao' when somebody
asks you for directions,whether it is to Malakpet,
Masab Tank, Malkajgiri or Moosapet.

5. You come across tailors sporting the board:
Immidiot delivery in two days only.

6.You can speak Hindi, Urdu, hyderabadi hinglish,
except Telugu, fluently.

7.You ask the waiter to get you some 'Mango pickle'
even if you are sitting at a lavish continental
banquet dinner with exotic Chinese, Mexican, talian
and Lebanese cuisines.

9. You order for a tea just after having had a
Caramel custard.

10. You have at least one Srinivas,Prasad, Raju
or Venkatesh within six square feet. OR you have at
least one cousin, friend, colleague or acquaintance
with these names.

11. You have at least one cousin, friend, colleague
or
acquaintance in the US in software.

12. Everytime somebody gives you a piece of good
news, the first thing you ask them is 'Party kab
hain?'

13. Refer to any past as 'parso', be it yesterday or
long before three hundred years.

14. You call 11 AM as subah subah.

15. You label your boss as 'Dimakh Kharab'

16. You are 15 minutes late and you feel you are
on time.

17. You look at the fixed price stand and still
ask 'dene ka bolo'

18. You are reading this and secretly admitting
that you are, after all, a true blue Hyderabadi.

you know one thing..... Once a Hyderabadi, always a
Hyderabadi.

Newton & Rajnikanth!

2004-09-20T11:05:00.000+05:30

Once, Newton came to India and watched a few Tamil
movies that had his head spinning. He was convinced
that all his logic and laws in physics were just
a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything he
had done.

In the movie of Rajanikanth, Newton was confused to
such an extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few
scenes:

1) Rajanikanth has a Brain Tumor which, according to
the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent.
In one of the fights, our great
Rajanikanth is shot in the head. To everybody's
surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking
away the tumor along with it and he is cured! Long
Live Rajanikanth!

2) In another movie, Rajanikanth is confronted with 3
gangsters. Rajanikanth has a gun but unfortunately
only one bullet and a knife.
Guess, what he does...
He throws the knife at the middle gangster... & shoots
the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the
bullet into 2 pieces, which kills both the
gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the
knife kills the middle one.

3) Rajanikanth is chased by a gangster. Rajanikanth
has a revolver but no bullets in it. Guess, what he
does. Nah... not even in your remotest
imaginations.

He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the
gangster shoots, Rajanikanth opens the bullet
compartment of his revolver and catches the
bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and
fires his gun. Bang...
the gangster dies...

This was too much for our Newton to take! He was
completely shaken and decided to go back. But he
happened to see another
movie for one last time, and thought that at least one
movie would follow his theory of physics. The
whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy that all in
the world hasn't changed. Oops, not so fast!

The 'climax' finally arrives.Rajanikanth gets to know
that the villain is on the other side of a very high
wall. So high that Rajanikanth can't jump
even if he tries like one of those superman techniques
that our heroes normally use. Rajanikanth
has to desperately kill the villain because it's the
climax. (Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually
impossible...)

Rajanikanth suddenly pulls two guns from his pockets.
He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has
reached above the height of the wall, he uses
the second gun and shoots at the trigger of the first
gun in air. The first gun fires off and the villain is
dead.

Newton commits suicide...

Indian English at its best

2004-09-20T10:49:00.000+05:30

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by
people from various places. This is Indian English at its best.

1. A candidate's application: "This has reference to your advertisement
calling for a 'typist and an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am
both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the
post.

2. An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to my
village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week
leave.

3. Another employee applied for half-day leave as follows: "Since I've
to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please grant me half
Day casual leave".

4. A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the headmaster: "As I
am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to
leave me today".

5. A family friend of ours told an incident of his friend's letter: "I
am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the school".

6. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: As my headache is
paining, please grant me leave for the day.

7. A covering note:, "I am enclosed herewith...

8. Another leave letter written to Administration dept: As my
Mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please grant me 10
days leave.

9. Actual letter written for application of leave: "My wife is
suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted
leave".

10. Letter writing: - "I am in well here and hope you are also in the
same well."

The Do's And Don'ts For All Zodiac Signs

2004-09-20T10:40:00.000+05:30

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
DO'S
Aries are naturally active and vibrant people and they tend to like
such people too. You will have to increase your pace to be in step
with them. They like and appreciate frank and straightforward persons.
With them you can be your true self (but don't try your luck being
over frank-they are volatile). If you are in love with an Arien, then
you have to show your enthusiasm in all their activities (you can
always yawn later!).
DON'TS
Do not tell an Aries that s/he may be wrong. Any such statement may
stir a storm in a teacup. Aries are very faithful and passionate
lovers. Do not give air to the smouldering fire within them by making
them jealous. No flirtation or fooling around with others in their
presence unless of course you wish to write your death wish (you will
be granted!).

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
DO'S
Stability and dependability characterise Taurus. They like people who
can blend and grow with them. If you have a Taurus partner you should
appreciate all things bright and beautiful. They have an inherent
artistic sense and are fond of colour and music. Judge life with them
from a purely materialistic point of view. Enjoy everything luxurious
that money can provide. Enjoy good food (better if you can cook to
please them) and good drinks with them.
DON'TS
Taurus do not loose their temper easily (in fact you may spend the
whole life with them and still no spark) but you should not push your
luck too much. Being unreasonable or aggressive with them may get you
into trouble. Do not press him/her into a corner, and if you do, be
prepared for a violent rage. Taurus is capable of violent outbursts
though such an event is is very rare occasions. They can be
suffocating when they are possessive about you.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
DO'S
Gemini is a highly intellectual and versatile person. If you have a
Gemini partner you have to match your wits with his/her wits to keep
the zing in the relationship. They want to be mentally stimulated so
you have to be good at conversing. Your sense of humour will get you a
permanent residence in the heart of a Gemini. Be more communicative
with them, and if you are good at this, you will never know how hours
pass by holding each other's hand.
DON'TS
Gemini's like to do many things at the same time, so if unfortunately
you are the type who is looking for stability you may get
disappointed. Do not hold back a Gemini or you may lose him/her, as
they are restless and need change in life constantly. You should try
to adopt yourself with the ever-changing Gemini. Orthodox or
conservative old fashion ideas are no-no in their dictionary. Change
with the ever-changing Gemini and do not flow against the current.

Cancer (Jun22 - July 22)
DO'S
Try to adapt yourself with the changing moods of the Cancer. At one
moment they may be laughing and enjoying and in another they may sulk.
You may have to adjust with the moody and sensitive Cancer. They are
like the tides in the ocean, always fluctuating. Cancerians love food,
so if you know how to cook and can be poetic and romantic (added
Bonus) then you know the way to their heart.
DON'TS
Cancerians are very sensitive people and can get easily hurt. So do
not play with their emotions and sentiments. They are like tides that
can sweep you along. They form emotional bonds with even inanimate
things, so do not ask them to discard old caps or souvenirs. Such
things hold special meaning to them. You have to realise that the
crabs have a soft heart and are vulnerable. Do not contradict their
tested line of thought and action, it would only lead to confusion.

Leo (Sep 22 - Oct23)
DO'S
If you have Leo partner respect him and his majestic manners. Accept
the advice of Leo, the lion, as he is the king of the jungle. It is
the sign of a showman, so if your partner does everything in grand
style enjoy it. They fall easily for flattery and want to be centre of
attraction of all eyes (sometimes they can be quiet theatrical too).
DON'TS
Never ever hurt the ego of a Leo. Pride, ego and vanity are some of
the bags Leo's always carry with them. Do not touch these bags. An
authoritative Leo is even more difficult to handle in such
circumstances. Leo is a sunny sign so they do not like people who are
gloomy or depressed. Even if you are crying at heart keep a sunny
smile on your lips and then let the lion take charge and remove all
worries from your life.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept22)
DO'S
Virgo's are very methodical and have a great sense of duty. Howver,
they are blind to their own faults. So, if you have a Virgo partner
emphasise more on their qualities. Take keen interest in what they are
doing and you will realise that they will go out of their way to help
you. Do rely and appreciate their mental powers rather than their
physical powers. They can turn even an unsuccessful venture into a
success.
DON'TS
Do not push a Virgo into limelight or on the centre stage unless of
course they do so on their own. They are shy and reserved by nature
and do not like to be the cynosure of all eyes. Virgo's have secrets
that they would not like to bring out in the open. So, even if you
have the key to their secret skeleton-closet, hide it; do not even
admit that you know anything about it. Virgo, the virgins, do not want
to tarnish their public image.

Libra (Sep 22 - Oct 23)
DO'S
Librans need peace and harmony in all their relationships, so help
them maintain that. Venus, the ruling planet, gives them beauty and
they have weakness for people who can compliment them about their
beauty (you will not have to make an effort to do that anyway). You
can help Libra seek union and partnership in life. If you have a Libra
partner you can be sure to share beautiful and pleasurable moments
together.
DON'TS
Libra is kind and gentle soul but very argumentative. Hence, do not
start an argument or discussion unless, of course, you are free and do
not know how to pass your time. They hate to lose and most probably
during an argument may change sides too (remember scales can tilt) and
still continue arguing from the other side. Do not push your Libra
partner into making decisions. They will keep weighing pros and cons
and may still not be able to come to any decision. Have patience !

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Novr 21)
DO'S
Scorpio's are full of passion and zest for life. They have tremendous
drive that can involve you too. Tune in to their wavelength and you
can enjoy the harmony and music of life with them. Scorpio's are loyal
and never forget a kind deed done by you. If you want to enjoy life
with your Scorpio lover, share their passion and intensity and you
will be fascinated by how beautiful life can be with them.
DON'TS
Scorpio's are very passionate and intense but they are also fiercely
possessive and would like to possess your mind, body and soul. Do not
let seeds of jealousy grow in them because then you may have to suffer
agonies of jealousy and discontentment in life. Scorpio's have
explosive tempers be careful how you handle them. They never let
anyone know what is going on in their mind till they strike and you
may be caught unawares. Do not flirt around in the presence of your
Scorpio lover.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
DO'S
Sagittarius is basically a happy go lucky kind. You can enjoy with
them their zest and enthusiasm for life. They bubble with excitement.
And if you share the same interests and hobbies, life can be great fun
together. They are frank and straightforward so if you want some
truthful opinion about anything or anyone go to them. Be optimistic as
they are and view life as glass half full.
DON'TS
Sagittarius is fiercely independent and cannot tolerate restriction.
Hence, do not try to hold them back in life. Let them enjoy their
freedom because if you hold any special place in their heart they will
always come back for you. Do not feel irritated by the exaggeration in
their speech. They may go on and on, talking about certain things that
may not even interest you, but its their way of trying to communicate
with you. They are basically frank and outspoken (to the point of
being rude), so do not feel offended by their talks.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
DO'S
Capricornians are strong and dependable. Hence, if you want to put
your money on anyone it is of course this zodiac sign. They are
practical and conservative in their outlook and they expect you to
blend in their colour. They set certain standards for themselves in
their life and they will always try to maintain those standards. For
them social status and image is very important in life.
DON'TS
Do not expect a Capricorn mate to open his/her heart and pour
everything to you. They are very secretive and reserved people. They
are very thorough in all their affairs and hate any kind of
sloppiness. People born under this zodiac are very tight-fisted and
economical. Do not expect lavish gifts from them and if they do give
you any gift (that is very rare) it will have some practical use (no
romance please) but that does not mean you will be deprived of
anything; on the contrary you will be well provided.

Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 21)
DO'S
Aquarius are friendly and fascinating people. They have in-depth
knowledge about various subjects and you can converse with them for
hours without getting bored. They are capable of giving a lot of love
that can be amazing. They have a very broad outlook of life and you
can relax in their presence. They will always welcome your ideas and
actions about humanitarian causes. To keep an Aquarius lover
interested you must possess that mysterious and intriguing quality.
Once hooked they will always be very faithful to you.
DON'TS
Do not expect or plan a normal, simple and predictable life with an
Aquarius partner. Aquarians are totally unpredictable. They can go to
any direction without giving any advance notice. They are basically
very restless and get bored easily. Though they are very friendly, do
not expect them to reveal their inner most feelings to you (they never
will). They can be detached and impersonal, which may seem strange to
others.

Pisces (Feb 22 - Mar 21)
DO'S
Pisceans are sensitive and charming. If you are looking for someone
who is understanding and can understand your feelings then you have
met the right person. You should appreciate their feelings too, as in
your time of need they are sure to help you. Pisces have a keenly
developed sixth sense and have great intuitive powers. Their hunches
may usually be right on mark. But they can exhaust their physical and
mental energies. They are born dreamers and you can build palaces with
your dream lover (only in real life it may become a little difficult
preposition).
DON'TS
Pisces are dreamers and you should not expect them to have worldly
ambitions. They are not materialistic in nature. It is not that they
like living below the poverty line but they have no earnest desire to
accumulate wealth. They are very sensitive and you have to be always
careful about their feelings. The fishes are capable of drowning you
in their tears (even men born under this sign).

Problems when using WIFE ver. 1.0

2004-09-20T10:32:00.000+05:30

Technical Support

Dear Sir,
Last year I upgraded my system from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed
that the new program began creating problems within the system processing
and that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system
initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Friends 2.3, Girlfriend 3.2 and Saturday Football 5.0
no longer run, crashing the entire system whenever selected :(I cannot
seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while running my other favorite
applications. Whichever module or software I enter, only Wife 1.0 seems to
run and nothing else.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall from
Wife 1.0 to Girlfriend 7.0 does not work on this program. Can you help me,
please!!!

Thanks!

Reply

Dear User,

This is a very common problem men users of the Wife 1.0 software complain
about but it is mostly due to a primary misconception of the software.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife
1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run
everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still
convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.
Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to
emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall,
delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed !!

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do
this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with
more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Worries
Invited For Ever (Wife 1.0)".

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife
1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section
regarding general partnership faults (GPFs).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might
occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action to solve this
major IT problem of yours will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.

In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will
have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return
to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for
all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.
Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0.
I recommend you to install the latest gift software like Flowers 2.1,
Necklaces 3.2, and Chocolates 5.0.

note: Do not under any circumstances, install Secretary With Skirt 3.3.
This is not a supported application; in fact it is a deadly virus for Wife
1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Regards,
Technical Supporter

Height Of ............

2004-09-20T10:28:00.000+05:30

HEIGHT OF ISOLATION:
Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other.

HEIGHT OF COWARDICE:
Two persons fighting through emails.

HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS:
Receiving no emails for a week.

HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION:
The email server being down.

HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS:
Writing a love mail and doing a 'Send All.'

HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT:
A person sending email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.

HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS:
A person sending email to himself.

HEIGHT OF EXPECTATION:
Sending Pakistani cricket team an e-mail, wishing them to win a match...

HEIGHT OF REPETITION:
Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwarded
back to you by some one in the receiving chain.

HEIGHT OF BROWSING:
U r swimming in the water tank and shout "F1 F1 F1?" instead of
shouting "HELP" when u are unable to swim...

HEIGHT OF MY FRIENDSHIP:
I always mail, u don't.

HEIGHT OF HAVING NO WORK:
You reading such mails.

Fwd: take time to laugh

2004-09-17T17:35:00.000+05:30

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.

Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and
the game went into extra time.

Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi
in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.

Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

Life of software engineer

2004-09-10T11:28:00.000+05:30

A SW Engineers daily routine:

8:30AM: Wake up
8:45AM: Tough decision ; To bath or not.
8:50AM: Have To.
9:15AM: Punch in.
9:20AM: Check Mail.
9:25AM: Check Again just in case...
9:30AM: Since It is already 9:30 wait for tea(9:45AM).
9:45AM: TEA party.
10:00AM: Check Mail.
10:05AM: Check again. Can't Believe that no mail has come. Is every
body dead or what ?
10:20AM: Sudden feeling of loneliness and desperation turn around to
look for some body (Any body) to talk to.
10:30AM: Found a guy testing something. Feel real pity for his
pathetic, boring and useless existence.
10:40AM: Sudden urge to get some work done and fast. Start looking for
the file.(Can't remember it's name)
11:00AM: Boss summons in his office. Bad sign.
11:30AM: How the hell ! am I suppose to remember everything. Why
should I be responsible for everything that goes bad.
11:45AM: Try to locate a scapegoat. No body around.
12:00AM: Mood is really bad decide to postpone work till after lunch.
12:30AM: Lunch
1:00PM: Lunch over.
1:10PM: Go for a smoke. Can't even smoke in this god forsaken place.
1:35PM: Back from a smoke. It was good. I even did not paid for the
cig. The other chap is so foolish.
1:50PM: Mood is good. Decide to go to cool web sites. Real sleazy thoughts.
2:30PM: Feeling real sleepy after such a mammoth mental effort.
2:45PM: Tea Time.
3:00PM: Chat and discuss with colleague on the bad state of the
company. Blame everybody for incompetence and laziness.
4:00PM: A guy from testing comes for help.(Jerk)
4:11PM: Try to look busy.
4:12PM: He is asking for a techn! ical help.(Real jerk).
4:15PM: After really making him beg for help decide to take a look.
4:50PM: No solution found. really angry on the guy for getting myself involved.
4:55PM: Suddenly boss is spotted in the neighbouring area. Try make as
much loud noise as possible with some obscure technical jargon thrown
in.
5:00PM: Boss has gone back to his den. Coast is clear.
5:05PM: Blame the problem on RnD.
5:10PM: Check mail. "Yes" a mail has finally arrived.
5:13PM: It's a silly joke and old too. But it felt good.
5:14PM: a quick dash for gate.
5:15PM: Third in punching out.
5:25PM: Reached Room.
5:26PM: TV on. No worth while program.
8:30PM: Still no worth while program. Every body is getting lazy and
irresponsible what will happen to this world GOD help us. Curse
government and RnD.
8:45PM: Food arrives. Pretty bad and stinking.
8:48PM: Dinner finished.
12:45AM: Today there were really good programs.
1:46AM: Decide to sleep. Tough day ahead.

The Top Six Reasons Why Computers Are Female

2004-09-02T11:35:00.000+05:30

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to
tell you".

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

Kissing Rules

2004-08-28T08:55:00.000+05:30

The Lovers of the Heart In order to form a more perfect kiss, enable
the mighty hug to promote to whom we please but one kiss.

1- Statement of Love-The Kiss

Kiss on the hand.... I adore you.
Kiss on the cheek... I just want to be friends.
Kiss on the neck... I want you.
Kiss on the lips... I love you.
Kiss on the ears...I am just playing.
Kiss anywhere else... lets not get carried away.
Look in your eyes... kiss me.
Playing with your hair... I can't live without you.
Hands on your waist... I love you too much to let you go.

2- The Three Steps

Girls: If any guy gets fresh with you, slap him.
Guys: If any girl slaps you, kiss her.
Guys and Girls: Close your eyes when kissing, it is rude to stare.

3- The Commandments

Thou shall not squeeze to hard.
Thou shall not ask for a kiss, just give one or take one.
Thou shall kiss at every opportunity.

Now the consequences:
If you break the chain letter, you will have bad luck in future relationships.

If you don't break the chain,then you will be a happy camper!!!

Congratulations! You have been chosen to participate in the LONGEST
and the LUCKIEST chain letter on the internet! Once read, this letter
must IMMEDIATELY (meaning within the hour) be sent to 10 people. After
you send it, make a wish and it will come true in the amount of time
of days, as the time. For example, if you sent it at 8:00, your wish
will come true in eight days!

10 most stupid questions......

2004-07-17T01:29:00.000+05:30

1. At the movies:
When you meet acquaintances/friends
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-Well,it's so hot , there were no cool cabs so I thought i'd watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre.

2. In the bus:
A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet
Stupid Question:-Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia..... why don't you try again or should i try this time.

3. At a funeral:
One of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-Why?Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant:
When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-Is the "blah blah blah" dish good
Answer:-No, its teribble and made of adulterated cement.We occasionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together.When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:-Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:-Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask
Stupid Question:-Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:-No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:-Sorry. were you sleeping.
Answer:-No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malik was betting with me that Pakistan would win. What do you think?

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair
Stupid Question:-Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth
Stupid Question:-Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-And while I'm telling you , you tell me if I bite.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks
Stupid Question:-Oh, so you smoke
Answer:-No, it's a miracle ...........it was a chalk and now it's in flames!!!

The fuckin forwarder

2004-07-17T00:54:00.000+05:30

For all of you that get sick of receiving
all the cutzie friendship crap,
read on............
Dear Fucker,
You are my fuckin' friend,
And I hope you fucking know that's true.
No matter what the fuck happens,
I will stand the fuck by you.
I will be fuckin' there for you,
Whenever the fuck you need me.
To lend you a fuckin' hand,
To do a fuckin' good deed.
So just fuckin call on me, Whatever the fuck you need.
And I'll fuckin' always be there,
Even to the fuckin' end.
Cause I give a fuck.

Forward this promise to all your fuckin
friends to show your fuckin friendship and
watch who sends it the fuck back to you...
(And fuck you if you don't fucking send it back!)

The Forwarder's Therapy...

2004-07-17T00:00:00.000+05:30

The "Forwarder's" 12 step program - Everyone say it with me...

I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email!

I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.

Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.

Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!

I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.

I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ...
NEVER --NEVER !!

There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.

The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!

The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out!

Just Kidding...